Epstein's Depression Story
by OriginalPippie
Summary: This is an alternate universe of my story Emotional. It borrows certain things from that story, only it has nothing to do with my Cutie Pie universe. Epstein checks himself into the hospital to get help for his severe depression. He joins a group therapy session, during which he tells his story about everything that led him to being there.
1. Chapter 1

Epstein took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. Going up to the doors, he asked a security guard if he was in the right place. With his confirmation, he walked in through the doors and headed up to the admissions desk. When the receptionist didn't notice him at first, he cleared his throat. She held up a finger to indicate she would be with him in a moment. She finished what she was working on and hen looked at Epstein.

"May I help you?"

Epstein swallowed. "I, ah, I need to check myself in." He hesitated, unsure of what he needed to say. "See, I need help and I didn't know where else to turn."

He looked her in the eyes. It was clear that, on top of not getting much sleep, he had been crying.

"Alright. Well you're in the right place. Hold on one moment."

She turned to a nearby file cabinet and opened a drawer. She rummaged through some papers inside. Taking a paper out, she clipped it into a clipboard, and then handed that and a pen to Epstein.

"I need you to fill out this form. We'll get you processed and then go from there."

"Thank you." He mumbled.

He took the clipboard over to some chairs and sat down. At first, he looked at the form while trying to fight back his emotions. Taking the pen in his hand, he started filling out the form. Everything on it was excruciating for him to fill out, especially once his vision blurred from tears. He tried his best to keep his writing legible, but with his rising emotions and his rapidly falling tears, this was an increasingly difficult task.

Secretly he had known for a while that he needed to get help. But he had been too scared to face the reality of it. So, just like with other things, he tried his best to block this out. And even though he knew he had a large support system with his family, friends and even his teacher, he never felt more alone. He was afraid that by checking himself into the hospital, he was admitting weakness. If he couldn't get through his depression on his own, then somewhere he must have failed himself. He had to fight these thoughts and talk himself into still getting the help he needed. He had to believe that seeking help didn't make him weak. He had to believe he wasn't a failure. He had to believe that he was doing what was best for him.

Once he was finished filling out the form, he stood up. With the clipboard in his hand, he shakily walked back up to the desk. Each step felt heavier than the one before it. His tears were beginning to fall faster as he let go of all control over them. His hands shook as he placed the clipboard on the desk. He barely heard the receptionist as she told him to sit and wait for someone to come see him.

The next few moments were a complete blur. At one point he heard his name called. Then the next thing that he knew, he was placed into a room. As soon as he could relax, he lay back on his bed and began reflecting upon everything. It wasn't long before someone came into talk to him. In fact, people seemed to be in and out of his room all through that first night, talking to him and asking him questions about his depression. He just hoped that this hospital stay was going to be worth it.

…

A few days later, Epstein was asked down the hall by a nurse. She explained to him about how they felt he would greatly benefit from group therapy. He was willing to try anything as long as it helped him feel better.

When they arrived in the room, Epstein looked around. The room reminded him of a small cafeteria or gym at school, only much quieter. There was nothing but a circle of chairs set up in the middle of the room and a couple folding tables with refreshments lined up against the far wall. A few people were seated already and talking to each other quietly. He walked over to the chairs and took an empty one. Soon after he had sat down, other people entered the room and then everybody took their seats.

The therapist, Doctor Martin, sat in a chair in the middle of the circle. He started the session by introducing everyone to Epstein. Having messed up his name, Epstein was quick to correct him over the fact that it was Juan, and not John. After a brief apology, Doctor Martin explained to Epstein how this group session was going to go. He then encouraged Epstein to begin sharing.

"Well, I, ah, I don't actually know where to begin."

"Just share some thoughts you have on your mind right now." Doctor Martin replied. "The first thing that comes to mind."

"Alright." Epstein looked down, partly at himself. "Well for starters…" he smiled shyly, feeling a little uncomfortable. "I used to be thin. I was in pretty good shape before all this happened, y'know?" he laughed a little.

"But now it'll be a while before I can get back to that." He leaned back some in his chair. "Not too proud of myself for all this weight I gained. But I suppose I should talk about it since it's all part of this mess I'm in with this depression."

He looked over and felt the burn of tears forming. He cleared this throat before he could speak some more.

"Sorry, I, well I get pretty emotional thinking about everything I've been through. I know I'll start cryin' soon and that ain't easy for me to let myself cry in front of other people like this. But… I figure at this point, cryin' is a lot better than stuffin' my face." He shook his head. "Was a time when I made myself believe the opposite to be true. Which is how I wound up so, so," he motioned along his body. "Well like this. I never would have imagined myself gainin' so much weight. But I have and now I have to deal with it. Along with everything else."

He managed to look up at everyone in the room. "I'm afraid I have a long story."

"Go on," Doctor Martin encouraged, "we're here to listen. Just get out everything you need to say."

Epstein nodded. "Alright. Well here's my story for how I remember it."

...

Epstein entered the classroom in a daze and munching on a snack he had brought with him. Dark circles were under his eyes from lack of sleep. He barely acknowledged anyone around him. He shuffled his feet a little as he went over to his desk. As he sat down, his clearly growing stomach, bulged out some. This put just enough pressure on a lose button on his shirt, causing it to pop off. Epstein groaned in displeasure before mumbling to himself. He then allowed himself to escape from the world around himself as he continued eating.

Glancing up as the teacher entered the classroom, Epstein leaned back in his seat some and tried his best to pretend like he cared about being in class. The trouble was, it was the first day of a new school year, and he already hated being there. If he had his way, he would have stayed at home, in bed, burying all his thoughts and problems beneath food.

It had been a few months since he had started eating to block his emotions. He had put on weight during those months, but he was so deep in his depression that he didn't care. The only thing that helped him get through the day was food. He knew this was an issue and it would only get worse if he let it. But he knew that he wasn't anywhere near ready to face it, especially since it was only one of many issues he had to deal with.

He sat there during the whole class period, doing nothing by eat. At first, he pretended like he was aware of what was going on. But that only lasted so long. The only thing he could focus on, the only thing that held him together, was his food. If he didn't focus on eating then he knew he would start crying. And there was no way he was going to let himself cry in school. He had to keep this up through all of his classes that day. And he already knew it was going to be tough, since some teachers didn't allow eating in class.

Somehow he managed to make it through his classes. The ones in which he couldn't eat were excruciating to get through, but he did it. Sometimes he had to excuse himself from the classroom, so he could go somewhere where he could cry in private. He never thought he would struggle so much with anything. He had been depressed before, but it was much easier to manage then. This time, he didn't know if he could make it through. With food being the only thing that really helped him hold himself together, it worried him about how he might turn out. He had already put on some weight since his depression started, and he knew he would only keep gaining.

But for today, he had to struggle to get through all his classes. He had done it so far, and now he was on the last class of the day. Luckily for him, it was social studies with Gabe. The one class he truly felt comfortable in.

Eventually, the bell rang, but he barely noticed. He stared off into space, lost in his thoughts and still eating. As he sat there, he didn't notice as the other students left. He didn't realize anything until Gabe came over and kicked his desk. This caused him to jump, startled, and he snapped back into reality. He looked around the room, completely bewildered.

"Mr. Kotter where did everyone go?"

"While you were busy eating, everyone left. School is over, Epstein."

"Are you serious?" He looked at the clock to confirm the time. "Oh shi- I can't believe I didn't notice class was over."

Unable to fathom that he had been eating the entire class period, and completely blocking out what Gabe was saying to him, Epstein sunk back into himself. He grabbed his food and began eating again. He didn't know why he was still eating. All he knew was, he had to eat in order to feel better. And that meant he had to block everything out. He only came back to reality once Gabe grabbed him by the wrist, causing him to drop some food. Stunned, he looked up at Gabe in disbelief. It took all that he could to keep his guilt from consuming him.

"I'm going to say this again." Gabe said, seriously. "You _need_ to stop eating. Juan, look at yourself. You were eating all through class like your life depended on it. You were eating in the hallways. You ate everywhere you went. Even in gym from what I hear. Every time I saw you today, you were eating."

"Mr. Kotter I-"

"Juan listen." Gabe cut him off. "You have a problem. It's not just everything you're trying to hide from by eating. It's bigger now. You have a problem with food."

Those words stung. They sank right through him, striking every nerve the entire way. He felt his breath become trapped in his lungs. His throat burned as he tried forcing his tears away. He tried to fight against the pain from hearing those words. There was no way he was going to accept that he had a problem. But the truth was, he already knew. He was too scared to face it, because he knew that if he faced his problem with food then he would also have to face everything else he had been avoiding for a while.

Again, he felt the burn in his throat and he had to squeeze his eyes shut in order to keep his tears from falling. He wanted to scream, but suddenly he had no voice. He wanted to run but his legs were paralyzed. He wanted desperately to hide but was forced to be out in the open. Feeling that he should say something, despite not knowing what to say, he made an attempt to speak. But this attempt ended as soon as Gabe spoke again.

"No, don't say anything. You're coming home with me. We need to talk. Just you, me and Julie. We need to get to the root of the problem. We need to get you to face it so that you can stop eating like this."

Unable to speak, Epstein looked at Gabe through tear-blurred vision. He swallowed and then nodded his head. Automatically, he reached to pick up his unfinished food.

"No, Juan, leave it. You don't need it."

Those words stung just as badly as when he was told he had a problem. Those words stirred another battle inside him that he was not prepared to fight. Knowing that he had a problem was hard enough to face. Being told that he didn't need his crutch was even harder to stomach. Food was the one thing that got him through everything. Everything that caused his depression earlier that year. He never thought that he would even hear anyone tell him he didn't need to eat the way that he was. But at the same time, he desperately wanted to eat because it helped him block out a lot of the pain. If he stopped eating then he knew he would have to face all the pain, and he wasn't anywhere near ready or strong enough to face it.

Not knowing what else to do, Epstein made himself leave the food on his desk. It felt like torture, leaving his crutch behind. But he made himself do it so not to concern Gabe even more. He never felt weaker, making himself appear strong. It killed him to leave the food behind. So much so, that when Gabe shut the door to the classroom, Epstein looked back, desperately wanting to go back in to get it. He knew that without it, the journey to Gabe's apartment was going to be one hell of a struggle for him. Somehow he had to make himself do it.


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as they entered Gabe's apartment, Epstein mentioned how he needed to check something out in the refrigerator. Gabe immediately stopped him, pulling him away.

"I'm not going to let you eat while you're here." Gabe said. "Besides, there's nothing in there except a box of baking soda."

"Well, at least you can't blame that on me." Epstein said, trying to sound lighthearted about the situation.

But the truth was, it hurt him to joke about his eating habits. He hated that his depression made him eat so much, and he hated even more how upset he already was feeling that he wouldn't be allowed to eat anything while he was there. Epstein walked over to the couch and sat down. Not having access to food right then was already causing him to feel his pain and think about how much he had been suffering since his depression started. He hated knowing that he had to face his emotions.

He looked up at Julie when she came over to the couch. As she sat down, Epstein could tell she was being cautious over what words she used when she brought up his weight. Even though it did bother him, he let her know it was ok to bring it up. On the inside, though, he was shamefully cringing in embarrassment. He hated every bit of the weight he gained, but like his emotions, he had to block it out in order to get through each day. While thinking about this, he couldn't help but open up about it. He only needed a little encouragement to get started, but once he did, he kept his gaze off Gabe and Julie.

"Well I suppose that, just by looking at me, and seeing all this weight I gained and seeing me eating all the time…" he paused to gather his thoughts and help keep his emotions at bay. "My secret's out."

"What secret is that, Juan?" Julie asked.

"I eat when I'm depressed. I've gained thirty pounds, and I know it's just going to keep coming." He cringed a little, feeling tears burning in his eyes. "I don't know why I've been so depressed lately. I can't seem to shake it. And I… well I just keep eating. I hate that I'm like this. But I don't know what else to do."

"What made you start eating in the first place?" Gabe asked

"Well…" he rubbed the tops of his legs. "It has to do with my mother. See, when I was a kid and I was having a bad day, she would sit me down in the dining room and fix me a special snack as she got me to talk about how I felt. I guess eventually, y'know, I would start to eat every time I got upset and I needed to calm down." He looked up, a bit tearfully at Gabe. "Actually, I had gained five pounds when I found out I had to be in remedial classes. I only managed to stop eating then because I met my friends in those classes." He straightened up a little and sighed. "I've always been able to control my eating before it got out of hand. This time… I don't know why but it's been different y'know? I haven't been able to control it."

"You're not eating now and you seem to be doing ok." Julie suggested.

"That's because Mr. Kotter isn't letting me eat while I'm here. And believe me, it's pretty rough on me right now." He closed his eyes, feeling tears begin to fall. He brought his hands up to cover his face.

Gabe sat next to Epstein and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Juan, everything is going to be ok. You know you don't need food to get through this. And you know that eating while you're depressed will only make things worse for you."

"Don't you think I know that?!" Epstein snapped, starting to cry harder. "Everyone has told me that before! I've even told myself!" He shook a little as he tried to calm down. "But I still can't help it. I always start eating. And yeah, yeah it makes me feel real lousy." He closed his eyes and shook his head. "But being so depressed, I already feel lousy before I start eating. I start out eating to help me feel better. Then I feel worse." He sat quietly as he cried for a moment. "I keep eating because… because it makes me feel worse. I eat because I'm depressed…. Then I get more depressed because I'm eating. And this time I can't break that cycle."

"Wow, Juan, we are really sorry." Julie said, her heart breaking just to see him in this state. "But it's really good that you're opening up like this. You need to keep talking. That'll help you through all this."

"I don't want to be this way. I don't like that I've been eating so much or that I've gained this weight." He leaned forward, buried his face in his hands as he started crying harder. "But I'm too scared to stop! I… I need time. I can't deal with this! It's already real hard not eating while I'm so upset and it hasn't even been more than ten minutes!"

Gabe took Epstein's hands and had him face him. "Juan, listen to me, listen. You can do this. You're going to get through this depression. I know you're scared right now. But I believe you can get through it."

"But how Mr. Kotter? How am I supposed to do this?" He choked on some tears. "I can't." He shook his head. "I can't handle it. Not without food." He stood up. "I-I have to get home. They let me eat there."

Julie took his hand. "Juan, sit." He hesitated and then sat back down. "I know this has to be really scary for you. You're upset because we're not letting you eat. But what would you be doing right now if we did let you? You'd be sitting there eating uncontrollably, eating all our food, and you wouldn't be opening up. You use food to hide, Juan."

He looked away, unable to take it. "Please…" He sniffed and wiped tears away. "Please don't tell me that."

"You can't handle the truth?" Gabe asked. "Just like when I told you that you have a problem with food? I saw that look on your face when I said it. You looked like someone had just punched you in the gut. You can't hide from the truth, Juan. You have a problem and you need to let go of your crutch. Opening up is good for you, Juan."

"No." Epstein shook his head. "No it ain't!" He stood up and walked away from the couch. "No it ain't. I can't take this. I know you want me to open up. You want me to stop eating. I'm telling you I can't handle it. I need to eat. If I was eating right now I wouldn't have got so upset. And I definitely wouldn't have started crying in front of you guys! When I say I can't handle something, I mean I can't handle it. And, yeah, I'm scared right now. I'm scared to stop eating. But let me be scared, ok? If I'm going to get through this depression I need to do it my way."

"Even if that means continuing to eat, and keep gaining more and more weight?" Gabe asked.

This question stunned Epstein. He stood there for a moment in complete silence as he stared at them both. He shook his head and turned away.

"I have to get outta here. I'm sorry, but I have to go. I know you to want to help me but… it's become too much. I-I…. I need time, alright? I need time."

"Ok." Julie said as she stood up. She walked over to Epstein and had him face her. She cupped his face in her hands and thumbed away some of his tears. "Ok, Juan. You need time? Go ahead. Do whatever you need to do. Stay home, lie in bed all day, skip school… eat until you're sick. Whatever you need to do. But remember, you're not alone. Whenever you need to talk to someone you know where to find us. Please don't hesitate to come see us. Ok, Juan?"

He gave a small nod. "Ok. Ok I can do that." He sniffed and wiped tears away. "But for now, I have to get home. I, ah," he placed his hands on his hips and turned his eyes toward the ceiling for a moment. He looked at them again. "Thank you for tryin' to help me." He shook his head and then started walking towards the door. He paused to look at them. "I'll be in touch with you both when I need to talk. But, ah, can you promise something?"

"Of course." Julie said

"Anything, Epstein." Gabe added. "You name it."

"Don't tell nobody I was here cryin'. It's bad enough that everybody is watchin' me go through this, they don't gotta know that I cry too."

"Don't worry." Gabe said with a slight grin. "Your secret's safe with us. Oh and if you decide not to show up to school tomorrow, I'll understand."

"Thanks Mr. Kotter. And you too, Mrs. Kotter. It does mean a lot that you both want to help." He turned away and then walked out the door.

...

Some time had passed and Epstein's depression only seemed to get worse. He had continued eating, which was no surprise to anyone. And since he had continued eating, he had gained more weight. The one morning before school when he had decided to weigh himself, he nearly broke down when he saw the needle rise to show twenty more pounds than what was there before. He couldn't stand knowing that he was still gaining weight, or that he could not bring himself to stop eating. But as much as he couldn't stand it, he felt stuck. He as stuck in his cycle. And to make things worse, he had no idea why he was so depressed in the first place.

He would have flashes of things once in a while that gave him some clue as to what caused this. But those flashes were so painful that he blocked them out the moment they came to him. He could tell that everyone else knew what the cause of it was, but he tried hard to ignore it. He figured that if there was something so bad, that caused him to enter such a deep depression, that he wasn't able to face it. There was no way he would be strong enough to stand that kind of pain. So instead, he kept struggling to get through every day, and he kept eating.

Lunch time at school should have helped him feel better like it always did. Because that meant he was free to eat as much as he wanted and nobody would bother him. However, this day his friends decided that lunch time was the perfect time to confront him. He sat there, growing frustrated. Trying to eat while trying to block them out. They kept drawing him in. They kept asking him not to eat while they talked. They mentioned something about him needing help, and how much they were concerned about him. He couldn't handle it when they said he needed help. This was when he began pushing them away.

"What gives any of you the right to come over here and tell me I need to stop eating? Huh? What gives you the right to tell me I need help? Don't you think I know what's going on in my own life?"

"Epstein, man, you gotta calm down." Vinnie said. "Look we're your friends. And we can't stand seein' you this way."

"We didn't mean to make you upset." Freddie chimed in "We was concerned about you. Listen, man. This ain't you at all. We…. We're really missin' the real Epstein."

"Yeah. You don't even beat up on nobody no more." Said Horshack. "You're always so… sad. And seein' you sad makes us sad."

Epstein jerked, turning in his spot so he wouldn't look directly at them. It was too hard to hear what they were saying. He knew they were right. It hurt to know it. He couldn't let them know how much it hurt, or show them that he was on the verge of crying. So he felt that the best solution was to push them away in anger before they could see his tears.

"First Mr. and Mrs. Kotter, now you guys! I know what I'm going through and I know it ain't good! I don't need to hear all this from you guys!"

"Listen Epstein we only want to help." Vinnie said, trying to remain calm

"Well I never asked for help!" He snapped, slamming his hands on the table.

"Fine." Said Vinnie, not losing his cool despite how hurt he was. "If that's the way you want it, well I guess you don't need us around." He looked at the other two guys. "Come on. He don't need us. Let's go." He stood and left the table.

"Man." Freddie shook his head. "Try to help somebody." He stood and followed Vinnie.

Horshack stood, looking sadly at Epstein. "I know Little Juan is in there. Maybe he'll come back to us one day." He turned and followed the other two guys.

Epstein watched his friends leave. "Fine! Get the hell out of here! I don't need any of you!"

He shook as he watched them leave. As soon as they were out of his sight, he slowly sat back down. He covered his face with his hands and allowed tears to fall. He had food in front of him, but for the first time since his depression started, he couldn't eat. He knew other people around him were staring at him, shocked to see him crying. But he made himself block it out just like everything else. The worst part about all of this was the fact that he still had to suffer through the rest of the school day. It hurt even more knowing that he wouldn't ever be able to face his own friends.


	3. Chapter 3

Epstein walked into his first class after lunch, He stopped shortly after coming in through the door and sighed as he looked at his desk. If this were any other class, he wouldn't be having such a hard time even getting to his seat. But this class, of all classes, was the worst. First, he wasn't allowed to eat in it. Second, he had to put up with Judy Bordon sitting next to him.

As soon as he sat down, she leaned in closer to him with a smirk on her face. That smirk of hers that he had always hated but could never do anything about. He warned her before that if she were a guy, she wouldn't have any lips left to smirk with.

"What do you want, Judy?"

"Nothing. Just surprised you still fit behind your desk."

"Leave me alone, Judy." He grumbled

"Oh?" She blinked, surprised. "You want me to leave you alone? That's the best comeback you've got?"

"Judy stop." He said, his frustrations growing.

"Why should I? Are you going to cry like you did in the cafeteria?"

He slowly turned to look at her, his eyes widened. "What did you say?"

"You mean about your crying?" She smirked. "It's all over the school. Big tough, Juan Epstein has turned into a big, fat blubbering mess. First time in months you stopped stuffing your fat face, and it was to let out some boo hoo hoo!" She mocked him further by pretending to rub her tearful eyes.

Epstein bolted up, slamming his fist onto the top of his desk. "That's it I've had enough!"

"Juan Epstein." The teacher called out in a warning tone. "If you can't control yourself you're going to the principal's office."

He pointed a finger at Judy, trying to protest. "She started it!"

"I don't want to hear it, Mr. Epstein. Clearly you can't control yourself in class, so take your things and go to the principal's office to cool off."

Epstein scowled, his eyes narrowed with anger. He snatched his textbook and binder before storming out of the classroom. He slammed the door behind him and then hurried down the hallway. In his mad huff, he ran down the halls towards his locker. He paused for a moment, huffing, and thought about going into Gabe's room to see about talking to him. Instead, he went straight to his locker and grabbed all his belongings form it. With his coat in his hand, he leaned against the lockers and slid down to the floor. The moment that he reached the floor, a flood of tears rushed out. He sat there for several minutes sobbing because he didn't know what else to do.

It took a while before he was able to calm down. It took him even longer before he could move from his spot. He was too miserable to think. With a sigh, he wiped away remaining tears and pulled himself up. He grabbed his belongings, and put everything but his coat into his locker and closed the door. Putting his coat on, he knew what he had to do. He took a deep breath and walked the hallways until he came to a payphone. When he got to one, he put in a dime and dialed his home number. After a few rings, he heard someone answer, but he didn't care who it was.

"Hey… It's me, Juan." He swallowed and then cleared his throat. "Listen, I… I am having the worst day. I'm headin' home early." He listened to the other person on the line. "Who is this? Oh ok well let Ma or Pop know I'm coming home." He listened again and then nearly choked on the tears that were forming. "Fine! Tell Pop then!" He covered his eyes with one hand and pinched the corners with his index finger and thumb. "I just need to come home. Can't be here right now. No… no I'm going to walk. It ain't that far. Yeah see you soon." He hung up the phone and began trembling. "Things just keep getting worse."

Epstein walked home, taking much longer than he normally would. His head was full, and his heart was heavy. He kept going over the events at school, which made him feel miserable all over again. A couple times he stopped to get some food in hopes of it helping him feel better. But as he ate, all he could think about was his confrontation with his friends, or Judy Borden making fun of him in class. He wasn't sure which made him feel worse.

On one hand, Judy had been picking on him ever since he started gaining weight. Every day when he would walk into the classroom, she would start off with some wise crack about it. He felt bad about himself and it made him regret making fun of her weight for so long. This created a double edged sword, hurting him more than one way every single day. Every day he had to put up with that. But today was different because she also made fun of him for crying. As much as it hurt to hear about his weight every day, it wasn't as bad as her laughing at him for crying.

If Judy was a guy, any guy in school, the mockery would have ended a while ago with one good punch. But since she wasn't a guy, Epstein felt defeated. There was nothing he could do to defend himself against her. There was no way he was going to punch a girl, no matter how nasty she was being to him. So he sat there and took every blow from her.

On the other hand, he thought, what he had to endure from Judy every day, was no way comparable with what happened with his friends. The way they confronted him, showing their concern, made him feel guilty. It was the last thing he needed. Guilt upon his depression. They only wanted to help him because they cared about him. And like the fool that he was, he pushed them away. He couldn't handle them making him face his problems. He couldn't handle them showing how much they cared about what he had been going through. It should have helped him feel better. But it only made him feel worse. Because now he had to worry about letting his friends down, and that was a tough thing to deal with on top of everything else.

He felt like a failure for pushing them away. But he didn't know what else to do. He couldn't let them see him get emotional. There was no way he was going to let himself cry in front of them. But now the whole school knew that he cried in the cafeteria, and he knew nobody was going to let him live it down. The toughest kid in school, the animal, Juan Epstein cried in school. Now he didn't know if he could return to school, because he wouldn't be able to face the ridicule he would surely get. Most importantly, he didn't know if he would be able to face his friends. If they still were his friends.

Epstein kept walking, trying to hold himself together. He stopped for a moment, staring into a bakery he often entered on his way to school. He thought for a moment, wondering if he should go in and see what was fresh. As he thought about this, something in the back of his mind tugged at him. He was compelled to turn around toward the crosswalk. It propelled him to the signal light. Something in his mind was trying to escape as he stood there looking up at the blinking image on the signal.

Flashes of memory came to him. Painful memory that he desperately wanted to forget. He looked away from the signal and onto the lines on the road for the crosswalk. More painful memories, bits of them, flashed by. He clutched his head and squeezed his eyes shut.

"No." He whispered to himself.

Epstein began shaking. His knees became weak, he held his stomach for a moment as he suddenly felt sick. Opening his eyes, his vision was blurred with tears.

"No!"

Sobs escaped as tears began streaming down his face. He struggled to block out these memories, but it already was a losing battle. Unable to stand, he reached a shaky hand out to grab the signal pole. This did little to steady him, so he allowed himself to sink to the concrete ground. He sat there sobbing and holding himself, desperately trying to soothe himself but to no use. Some people stopped and came over, asking if he needed help, He quickly pushed them away before clutching his legs, drawing them up to his chest. All he could do was sit there and cry in hopes of those memories leaving him.


	4. Chapter 4

"Juan? Hey man, come on."

Epstein sniffed and wiped tears away before looking up towards the people in front of him. Two of his brothers, one older and one younger, stood before him looking concerned. Epstein glanced away and let a few remaining tears fall as he stared at the road.

"Juan," his younger brother said "We came to bring you home."

"How did you know I was here? And shouldn't you be in school?" His voice was hoarse from crying.

"I'm the last thing you need to worry about. I am here to take care of my brother when he needs his family."

Epstein ignored this statement. "Doesn't answer my other question."

"Juan." His older brother said with a stern tone. "We got a phone call from Mr. Jennings." He motioned to the bakery behind them. "He said you were out here having some kind of breakdown. He recognized you when he came out to try an' help you. Called and spoke to Pop."

"Seems that you come here so much, Mr. Jennings knew how to reach you at home." His younger brother snorted.

"That better not be a crack about my weight." Epstein warned.

"Come on, Juan. Get up." His older brother said before he and the younger brother each grabbed one of Epstein's arms. They helped him stand.

Epstein looked at his brothers, apologetically. "Hey I'm sorry for all this. You guys didn't have to come out here to get me. I woulda been fine."

"Clearly you're not fine. Breaking down in front of a bakery. Normally you would be in there stuffin' your face on everything you can."

"Stop it." Epstein warned. "I don't want to hear about my weight or about how much I've been eating. I've had a rough day at school because of all that. I just want to go home."

"What were you doing here anyway?" His younger brother asked innocently. He ignored the warning look from their older brother. "You normally avoid this street this time of day."

Epstein looked at him bewildered. "What?"

"Don't remind him." The older brother whispered in warning. "It's probably why he broke down in the first place."

"Yeah sorry." The younger whispered back.

Epstein looked at both of them, confused. "What? What's going on? What are you two whisperin' about?" His confusion started becoming agitation. "Are you two talking about me?"

"Juan, calm down. We don't need you getting upset right now." The older brother said. "Let's just get home. It's cold out here. And I think, the sooner you're home, the better. You need to relax and clear your head."

Epstein sighed and then rubbed his eyes. "Sorry. Yeah, yeah let's go home. I-I need something to eat to help me relax."

"Yeah, whatever." The older brother said, rolling his eyes a little. "Of course that'd be the first thing you'd do. But whatever you need to help yourself." He patted his back. "Let's go."

Epstein only hesitated for a second before walking with his brothers. He took a deep breath and gazed back at the crosswalk signal, wondering what possibly could have been in those memories that made him break down. This, he quickly shook off, as he and his brothers walked home.

...

Epstein patted his stomach and then looked into the mirror. He let out a heavy sigh and then shook his head sadly. Already knowing he had gained more weight, he didn't bother weighing himself. He started to leave the room, feeling dejected. Instead of leaving, he turned and leaned against the door. He placed his hands over his face and then slid down to the floor.

His depression felt worse than ever before. He was still eating but hated himself more and more with each bite. He was trapped. Every once in a while, flashes of painful memories would haunt him. But he could never make sense of them, or piece them together. All he knew was, something had happened to cause his depression, and he wasn't letting himself know what it was. He knew that if he let himself remember what happened, then he would be able to begin healing himself. However, he was far too scared to face whatever it was, because he knew it was something really bad.

Taking a deep breath, he pulled himself off the floor. He took one last glance at himself in the mirror and instantly regretted this decision. Mad at himself, he left the bathroom in a huff. He knew he needed to calm down and clear his head. He didn't want to automatically turn to food because he didn't want to hate himself. He knew exactly what he needed to do.

Heading down the hall, he walked to his parent's bedroom. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and then knocked on the door.

"Come in!" She called

Epstein opened the door. "Hey, ma, are you busy?" He stepped into the room.

"Juan I'm," she sighed slightly and folded one of his father's shirts.

"Oh sorry I didn't know you were busy."

"No it's ok, Juan. What do you need?"

"Well, um, I need to talk."

"Ok well come on. I can take care of these clothes later."

She walked around to the other side of the bed and motioned for him to come join her. He walked over to the bed and sat down. Keeping his head down, he was quiet. He felt her gently rub his back, which helped him to relax.

"So what's this all about?" She asked in a soothing tone. "Juan you've been going through so much for a while now, and this is the first time I've noticed you actually wanting to talk to someone on your own."

"Yeah, well, I know I should open up… everyone keeps telling me that." He mumbled the last part.

"Then why don't you?"

He sighed and then shrugged his shoulders. "I ain't' got a good reason. I've never been one for opening up and expressing my feelings. It's… it's too hard."

She wrapped an arm around him, encouraging him to rest his head on her shoulder. "Well I will listen to you any time you need to talk."

"I know." He said quietly. "Thank you." He was quiet as he rested his head on her shoulder. "I don't know what I need to say. I just know I need to get something out, y'know? Everything just feels trapped. I'm trapped. Always stuck in my own head."

"Well, Juan, I know it's hard for you. But you should try to get out of your head. Come see me whenever you need to talk. You're having a hard time. Let other people, like me help you when you know you need it. If you do then maybe you won't feel the need to eat so much."

He sighed, rolling his eyes. "Please don't talk to me about my eating. I know I need to stop. Look at me with all this weight." He grabbed some of his stomach in both hands. "I hate that I've done this to myself. But I can't seem to stop." He trembled a little, feeling tears form. "If I eat then I'm not crying."

"Juan you need to let yourself cry. Avoiding your emotions with food has made things so much worse."

"I know." He whispered. "I know. I just… I hate crying. I hate getting so emotional. Eating helps me stay calm."

"Until you see yourself in the mirror or step on the scale that is."

He cringed and sat up. "I've gained so much weight. I used to be able to control my eating before it got out of hand. I don't know why I can't now."

"Maybe it's because you don't want to control it this time." She suggested.

"Maybe." He shook his head. "I dunno. I feel like…. I'm going to stay trapped until I can figure things out. I don't even know what made me so depressed in the first place. I just know it was something big, y'know?"

"Juan…" she said sadly

He looked at her. "What do I do?"

"Well Juan…. You just need to take one day at a time. Try a little bit here and there to help yourself throughout the day, without eating. At least start by cutting back a little bit at a time. Each day make yourself eat a little less than the day before."

"How? How do I make myself eat less?"

"You have to try, Juan. Try to find something to be positive about each day. Hold on to the positive things. If you keep thinking about the positive things, you'll start to feel better. And if you feel better, you won't need to eat for comfort anymore."

He sighed and thought about what she said. "Ok. I guess… I guess it will be worth trying." He looked at her and then wrapped his arms around her for a hug. "Thank you. I guess I didn't realize how much I needed to talk."

"Like I said, come find me whenever you need someone. I'll listen."

"Thanks Ma." He pulled out of the hug and stood up."

"Juan…" she sighed

He looked at her "What?"

"Never mind. I hope this helped you."

"I think it did." He leaned in and kissed her on the temple. "Thank you."

He left the room, feeling a little better. Though, he wasn't sure how much it helped. He had a strange feeling while talking to his mother, but he couldn't explain what it was. He ignored the feeling and moved on. He decided that it was best for him to think about everything she said to him. He didn't want to keep being in his depression. And he certainly didn't want to keep eating and gaining weight. But at the same time, he was scared and knew that he still had a long ways to go before he could bring himself out of his depression.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a little while since Epstein had gone to school. He was apprehensive about it since he had gained even more weight since the last time he was there. While some students met him with shock, others were crueler and laughed at him. He was often laughed out of classrooms, or at least driven to the point of anger, and the teacher would kick him out of class to cool off. Not able to handle the constant ridicule for his weight or how much he was still eating, he decided it was best to avoid certain classes all together for a while. Unfortunately, he was unable to avoid everyone in the hallways.

He walked down the hallway that lead towards Gabe's classroom. Trying to avoid eye contact with everyone he passed, he kept his head down. Each step he took seemed harder than the previous. He grew a bit anxious as he tried to avoid getting caught in anyone's line of view, because he knew that with his current weight, it would be next to impossible for him to not get noticed. And he did get noticed, by one of the worst people in school to notice him.

Right away, Judy Borden laughed at him. She walked right over to him, stopping him in his tracks. She laughed and pointed at him.

"What do you want, Judy?" He asked, still keeping his head down.

"My God, Epstein! You just get bigger every time I see you!" She laughed again.

"Leave me alone." He mumbled.

"Why should I? What are you going to do if I don't? Run a way to grab a sandwich? Or stand there and start crying?" She teased him some more. "Wow you really are fat!"

He could no longer take it. He shook a little and balled his hands into fists. He snarled and threw his head up. "Yeah, yeah I'm fat! Alright? And it's real funny too ain't it?"

"Yes, actually it is funny. After all the years you've spent making fun of me for my weight, weight I don't even have, seeing you right now with all this weight on you, well that's justice." She laughed.

He tried hard to keep himself from crying. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. "Judy… you really need to stop."

"Why? Don't tell me you're going to cry!" She laughed again. "I'm making you cry aren't I Epstein?"

"Stop it! I'm not going to cry!" he huffed a little, and made fists again. "Damnit Judy. You know what you're doing. You know I can't fight you. I mean if you were a guy you'd be on the floor the first time you laughed at me. But since you're a chick, I can't fight you and you know it. So please, just leave me alone before I get really upset and do something I'll regret."

"Alright, Epstein." She said with a smug grin. "I'll leave you alone for now. Just remember this the next time you want to pick on me or anyone else who might be a little overweight. Serves you right, Epstein." She turned and walked away.

Epstein stood there for a moment, trying to remain calm. If he had food on him he knew he would be eating it. But, as upset as he was, he had to try to fight his urges to eat. He had finally reached a point with his weight where he could no longer stand gaining. He hated every bit of the weight he had gained and he knew he would regret it if he allowed himself to gain even more. He could no longer allow himself to eat for comfort.

Once he was calm, and he was sure nobody else around was going to dare pick on him, he headed to Gabe's classroom. It was just on time for the lunch bell to ring, reminding him all over again about food. He had to stay strong and not let himself eat. So Gabe's room was a much safer place for him to be than the cafeteria.

Knocking on the door, he waited for Gabe's reply. He opened the door and walked in. "Mr. Kotter I hope I ain't botherin' you. I just needed a place to hang out during lunch time today. I don't feel like facing nobody who might pick on me."

"Oh, sure, Juan. Come in." Gabe grinned a little. His grin faded some once he took a good look at him. "Juan is everything ok?"

"Yeah sure." He sighed a little. "For now anyway. I just had to deal with Judy Borden. She was picking on me in the hallway. It's hard, Mr. Kotter. Hard gettin' through every day at school. Other students, y'know, they make fun of me because of my weight, or because I'm always eating. Or like… because I've cried at school before."

Epstein's face fell as he finished his statement. He walked over to an empty desk and sat down with a heavy sigh.

"You?" Gabe stood, approaching him in disbelief. "You _cried_ in school?" Epstein looked away shamefully and nodded his head. "And you let other people see you?"

"Mr. Kotter I really don't want to talk about that. I came in here to try an' feel better and avoid getting picked on." He shook his head before looking down sadly. "I'm still having a real hard time with this depression. Things get to me real easily and I don't know how to handle it. I was havin' a real bad day one day…. The other guys they were trying to talk to me and they wanted to help me. I couldn't handle it. I was getting real upset. I didn't want them to see me start cryin' so I pushed them away. But… but when they left me… I didn't know what else to do. I was so upset… I get emotional easily y'know. I started crying. In the cafeteria. I knew other people were watching me cry. But I couldn't help it. But it was a huge mistake cryin' in front of everybody like that because now nobody will let me live it down."

"Juan it's ok. You shouldn't be ashamed of crying. You've been going through so much for such a long time."

"I shouldn't be ashamed. But they all make me feel ashamed every time they laugh at me. I just…" he drew in his lower lip for a moment, trying to control his tears that were forming. "Mr. Kotter I really didn't want to get emotional. I just want to keep myself calm and try to clear my head for a little bit. Which is why I came in here. The last thing I want right now is to start getting upset."

Gabe nodded. "Got it. We'll just hang out. I'll try my best to help you keep your mind off things."

"Thank you Mr. Kotter."

It was right at that moment when the other three Sweathogs came into the room, each bringing their lunch with them. The three of them greeted their teacher before heading over to see Epstein.

"Hey here you are Epstein." Vinnie said. "We was lookin' all over for you."

"Yeah." Freddie added. "We looked in all your eating spots and you weren't there. So we thought we'd come lookin' for ya here."

Horshack grinned a little. "So if you don't mind, we'd like to hang out and have lunch with you."

Epstein shrugged his shoulders before motioning to the empty seats by him. "Sure why not. Got nowhere else I want to be right now. You guys can help Mr. Kotter distract me from myself."

"Epstein what's the matter?" Vinnie asked, approaching him. "You're not eating."

"Yeah, yeah, I haven't seen him with food all day." Freddie said. "What gives?"

Epstein rubbed his eyes. "I'm fine." He grumbled. "I just… I don't want to eat." He sighed and sat back in his chair. "Look, I…" he paused to gather his thoughts. "I've been trying not to eat lately. Been tryin' real hard to hold myself together. I need to stop." He felt his emotions begin to rise but he tried his best to fight them. "I don't want to be like this. I can't. But you know this depression is kicking my ass. I… I mean, I never thought I would get this way. I never had a problem with my weight before. Now look at me. Fucking fat as hell." He sighed, looking away shamefully. "Sorry for swearin' Mr. Kotter."

"Don't worry about it, Juan."

He sighed. "You know how hard it has been for me gaining all this weight?" he looked at them. "I went from being the toughest kid in school to being the fattest."

"Juan you are not the fattest kid in school." Gabe said. He frowned a bit. "Are you?"

"Hey I dunno man." He said sadly. "It's just how I feel. I mean… It's been so hard just to walk through school every day. Havin' to face everybody laughing at me." He shook his head and looked down. "Actually, Mr. Kotter, this is the only class I'll go to any more. Because nobody makes fun of me in here. Everybody here has my back." He looked at them. "You all care about me."

"Of course we do." Horshack said. "You're our friend. And we don't care how fat you are."

Epstein looked away, cringing. "Thanks… I guess. I just… I can't let myself get any bigger than this. No matter how hard it is to keep from eating." He turned away as he felt himself tear up. "I can't keep livin' this way, y'know? I can't."

"Hey Epstein," Freddie said "We hear ya. Hey, we know you've been having a real hard time. We care about you. And if you'll let us, we'll help you any way we can."

"Even if that means eating lunch in Mr. Kotter's class with you every day, so you don't gotta face nobody else in school." Vinnie said.

"Thanks." Epstein said. "It means a lot." He turned to look at them. "I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my friends. I mean that.

"Well you know we're always here for you, Juan." Said Gabe, stepping closer to where they sat. "Any time you need us we'll be here."

Epstein couldn't help grinning a little. "Thanks Mr. Kotter. And I promise, from now on, I won't push you guys away. I'll, ah, I'll talk when I need to talk." He sighed a little. "Long as you listen and… well help keep me from eating when I start getting emotional. I think I'll be fine." He was quiet for a moment. "The only thing is… here I can avoid people who make fun of me. At home not so much. I know I'll struggle more with not eating at home when I have my brothers making fun of me."

"We're sorry to hear that, Juan." Gabe said. "But at least you don't have to worry about it while you're here."

"Yeah." Vinnie sat up some. "We won't make fun of you. You can count on that. And if anybody here tries making fun of you while you're still going through this, then we'll just employ the Epstein method and make them stop right away."

Epstein let out a small laugh. "Hey thanks Vinnie. I mean, if I can't be Epstein at the moment, then you guys have to make up for it until I get back to my old self."

"That's the plan." Vinnie said with a grin.

Freddie patted Epstein on the shoulder. "Yeah we got yo' back."

"And I know I could never be intimidating like you," said Horshack "but I will still do my best to stand up for you."

Epstein grinned. "Thanks Horshack." He looked at everyone "All of you. I mean it."

...

Epstein squeezed his eyes shut and covered his ears with his hands. He desperately tried to block out the sound of his brothers talking about him in the hallway. They were mocking him, cracking jokes about his weight. He couldn't stand it. Trying to keep from eating never was harder than it was at this moment. As much as he hated his weight, and being taunted for it, he couldn't escape it. Try as he must, he still couldn't control himself around food when he was upset. He knew he had a serious problem. This problem wasn't going to go away unless he got to the root of what was causing his depression.

Unable to take the mockery, he left his bed and walked over to the bedroom door. He tore it open and glared at his brothers.

"I can hear you, y'know."

"Yes, we know." One brother said

"Why else do you think we would be here saying this stuff at your bedroom door?"

Epstein snarled and shoved both of his brothers in anger. He moved past them and hurried into the nearby bathroom. Slamming the door closed behind him, he then leaned against it with a heavy sigh. As upset as he was right then, he refused to cry. He mumbled in anger and huffed his breath. He still heard the mockery from his brothers, but he wasn't sure if that was just in his head.

Even though he knew he had gained weight again. Even though he hated every bit of this. Even though he knew he was going to regret it, he still walked over to the scale. He just had to see exactly how much weight was on him. He had to see just how much damage he had done to himself by eating all the time. For a moment, he thought that perhaps if he knew exactly how big he was, it would help motivate him to keep from eating.

Once he got to the scale, he closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and stepped onto the scale. Panic and regret swept through him but he remained on the scale. He opened his eyes and looked down. It was hard to see past his stomach but he sucked some in and he was able to see where the needle had stopped on the scale.

"Maldita sea!" He groaned, stepping off the scale. He turned to look at himself in the mirror. "I'm so fucking fat." He groaned again. "God what is wrong with me? How could I Let myself get this bad?"

He walked over to the sink and hung his head. He couldn't bear to see himself in the mirror any more.

"What am I going to do?" he mumbled. "How am I supposed to get rid of this weight?" Tears started forming in his eyes. "How am I supposed to stop eating?" he covered his face his his hands, unable to handle such a question. "How could I be so stupid?"

He trembled a little bit as he stood there. He felt sick for a moment but managed to main'tain it. One of his brothers pounded on the door, jolting him back to reality.

"Get out ya fatass! I need the bathroom!"

"Fuck off Pedro!" His voice cracked a little, from the tears fighting to the surface.

The tears quickly won out, building up in his eyes. He choked a little on his tears as they started falling. He could hear his brothers mocking him for his weight while yelling at him to get out of the bathroom. This caused him to sob. Unable to take it anymore, he tore open the bathroom door, rushed past his brothers, and he hurried down the hallway to his parents' room. He had to ignore the laughter and more mocking from his brothers so that he could calm himself down before entering the bedroom.

"Ma!" He sniffed, crying a little. "Ma I need you!"

He went to the bed and plopped down, full of tears and anguish. A moment later, he felt his mother's presence as she wrapped her arms around him. She didn't speak, but held him and gently rubbed his back as he cried. He was unable to speak to her, but he felt comfort in her just holding him. After a little while, he calmed down, but a few tears remained, slowly rolling down his face.

"Why am I like this?" He finally croaked out, a little above a whisper and with a strained voice.

"Shh…" His mother patted his back. "You'll get through it."

"You promise?" He sniffed

"Yes. Just hang in there."

He sat silently and let his mother keep holding him. It was all he needed to feel better right then.


	6. Chapter 6

A little while later, Epstein went downstairs. He joined the rest of his family in the dining room for dinner. As he sat down, he felt the eyes of some of his siblings upon him. But this, he brushed off as he began fixing his plate. Nobody was surprised to see that he was eating with them. They were, however, surprised to see him attempting to have a much smaller portion on his plate than what he had been taking for himself throughout the entirety of his depression. That wasn't the only surprise they got. He slowly ate everything on his plate, and once he was finished, he did not take more food. He just simply sat there while his empty plate sat before him.

He sat there, beginning to feel uncomfortable with the eyes upon him. Try as he did, when desert came out, he could not resist it. Butterflies began moving inside him as he second guessed the amount of desert he was taking. He tried to ignore the whispered comments from his siblings. He looked at the amount of food he put on his plate, seeing how small the portion was. He bit his lower lip and then served himself some more of the desert.

"Yeah dig in ya fatass. Keep piling it on your plate." His brother said with a laugh.

Epstein stiffened, trying to ignore this comment. His hand shook, making him unable to hold his fork. He knew everyone was watching him, judging the amount of food he was eating. Take too little and it was weird. Take too much and he got ridiculed for his weight. There was no way to win in this situation.

"Go on and eat, fatass. You know you're dyin' to stuff your fat face like always."

"Stop it!" Epstein shouted

"What's the matter, Juan?" his brother laughed. "Not enough food on the table for you? Just take all the desert. Pile it all on your plate. You know you want to!"

"Stop it!" Epstein shouted again, this time taking to his feet. One of his sisters tried to soothe him by coaxing him to sit and ignore their brother. "Leave me alone!" He covered his face with his hands.

"What's the matter?" His brother snorted. "Fatty going to cry now? You going to cry, fatty?"

Epstein picked up his plate and threw it across the table at his brother in anger. "I said leave me the fuck alone!"

His father grabbed him by the wrist and made him sit back down. "Juan! That is enough from you! Especially that swearing!"

"Pop he started it!" Epstein exclaimed, near tears. "Why do I have to sit here putting up with that?" he shook his head and turned his eyes away from everyone. "Why is this my fault?"

"You're the one yelling, swearing and throwing food."

"He was making fun of me!" Epstein covered his face with his hands and shook as he tried fighting tears. "Why do I have to take that?"

"Pop it really isn't fair for you to be upset with Juan. Pedro was provoking him." Epstein's older sister, Fran said. "Look at him, Pop. Juan's clearly having a tough time today and Pedro is making it worse for him."

Epstein lowered his hands. "Fran please. I don't need you to defend me."

"I think you do. Because that wasn't fair at all. And you certainly didn't deserve that from Pedro. I know he's been picking on you all day. Not just him either."

Epstein looked away and slowly nodded his head. "They've been picking on me a lot lately." He said quietly. "Picking on my weight." He cringed a little. "And my eating. They were outside my room earlier making pig and cow noises. Making bets on how much fatter I'll get."

"Well Juan, you have any idea how fat you are now?" His younger brother asked with a laugh. "You're huge!"

Epstein trembled. He tried hard to keep from crying. "St-stop. Please."

"Juan's going to cry!" Another brother laughed.

Epstein tore to his feet. "That's it! Fuck all of you!"

"Juan!" His father stood and grabbed Epstein by the arm. "That's enough!"

"No!" He yanked his arm away. "Leave me alone! I need to say some things! I know I'm fat alright? I know damn well how fat I am! A person can't gain eighty-five pounds and not be fat!"

This confession caused some gasps, comments, and some laughter from his siblings.

"Juan calm down and have a seat. And you need to stop swearing." His father said.

"No! I don't need to calm down. Everybody needs to hear what I have to say. Look, I'm _fat._ It's not an easy thing for me to deal with, y'know? Now it's worse because every day lately I have to put up with my asshole brothers making fun of me for my weight! Yeah, yeah I hear all of it! I can't go anywhere in this house without hearing some kind of joke or rude comment about my weight. If I grab some food or just walk near the kitchen I hear someone making cow or pig noises at me. Or some kind of comment about how much I'm going to eat. Or if I'm in my room I hear you guys makin' bets on my weight. You all act like I don't know anything about my weight unless you give me a daily reminder. Quick! Here comes Juan! Let's remind him of how fat he is! It's real funny isn't it?!" He trembled and tried to keep himself from crying. "I can't take it anymore. I shouldn't have to take it. Now… just at dinner all of you are watchin' me eat and judging me. I try to take less food than usual and I get stared at like there's something wrong with me. I start taking some desert probably more than I should, and I get laughed at. I can't win no matter how much I'm eating. I mean, fuck!"

He ignored his father's warning about his language, and tried to fight his tears again. His eyes filled up and he looked down so he wouldn't be able to see anyone's face. Letting his tears fall, he continued to talk.

"Some family I have. You all know that I eat when I'm depressed. And you all can see that clearly, I've been having a tough time with this depression with all this weight I gained. None of you care though. I mean, sure I have an older sister trying to defend me. My father blames me for getting picked on and he keeps telling me to watch my language." He shook his head. "If I swear, so what? Not like any of you care what I have to say or how I say it. You all just sit back and watch me eat and eat and eat. Don't give a shit about what I'm going through. I gained all this weight and then what happened? You guys start makin' fun of me. You make me feel worse about myself. Where were any of you hen my depression hit? Where were any of you when I started eating? None of you cared. Nobody even cared enough to talk to me, or come see how I was doing. Didn't even care to take food away from me."

He looked at his siblings, tears still falling from his eyes. "And you two," he motioned to two of his brothers, "we share a room together. Neither one of you cared enough about me when I was sitting up awake at night. Neither one of you ever talked to me or asked if I was okay, or if I was busy crying myself to sleep on my worst nights. No you just ignore me and stay out of my way. You just keep letting me suffer in my depression. All of you! If any of you ever really gave a flying fuck about me, showed that you cared at all, I wouldn't have gained so much weight and you wouldn't have fatass Juan to make fun of!"

He shook as he started crying some more. His face was red with anger and embarrassment.

"I'm your brother! We're family! Family is supposed to look out for one another and have each other's back! They don't let one of their own suffer through their hard times. And they don't make one of their own feel worse by making fun of them when they're already down! You make fun of me for gaining all this weight. Did you think I was going to laugh with you? Did you think I gained this weight for fun? Did you think I was happy to be this way? I hate it! I hate every bit of it! And the worse you all made me feel about myself, the more I started eating. I could have pulled myself out of this a long time ago if my family actually showed that they care about me! But I guess I don't got a family! No just a bunch of assholes who make fun of my weight. And jerks who sit back and let me be this way! I can't take this anymore!" he sobbed, crying even harder. He attempted to say something more, but shook his head before turning away from the table.

Before anyone could react, he hurried out of the dining room and rushed to the front door. Everybody jumped when they heard the front door slam shut.

Epstein stood on the front porch for a few moments as he continued to cry. He frantically wiped falling tears away before heading down the steps. He hated getting to emotional in front of his family, but he knew they needed to hear his words. It hurt him so much, how his siblings were toward him, but he didn't know what to do about it. All he could do right then was cry. He felt so weak.

He didn't get very far before he heard the front door open and close. He glanced back to see who it was that had come out after him.

"Juan wait!" His older sister called.

"What do you want, Fran?" he grumbled, walking ahead of her.

She caught up to him. "Juan, you were right with everything you said in there. Except, we do care about you."

He rolled his eyes. "Oh really? Somehow I don't believe that."

"It's true, Juan. We care very much. We've all been very concerned about you. Can you please come back inside so we can talk with you?"

"No, Fran. I can't be around nobody right now. Besides, if you all really cared and are really so concerned about me, why do you just now want to talk to me?"

"Juan, please. You're right, we should have shown more that we care. But it's not like we know what to do when you're like this for so long. Ok, yes, we could try talking to you from time to time. But you're not exactly a picnic to deal with when you're like this."

He stopped and looked at her. "What do you mean?"

"Every time anyone tried talking to you, you pushed us away or you ignored us and kept eating. We actually did try at first. But you made it difficult so we stopped trying."

"In other words, you gave up on me." He looked away from her. "I see how it is." He said quietly. "You cared. But… it wasn't enough."

"Juan…"

"Fran, I don't even know what you've been doing here. You have your own place and you've been coming around all the time. That couldn't have been for me."

"You're right, it wasn't for you. Not at first ay way. I stuck around because for some reason I became the only one in the family you'll open up to."

He looked at her, confused. "What are you talking about?"

"I think you know. You just don't want to see it. You only see things the way you want to see them. And that's hurt you much more than any of our brothers and sisters."

He stared at her in disbelief. "Fran…"

She placed her hands on his shoulders. "Juan. Please, come back inside. We really are sorry for how we've treated you. And we really do care about you. We want to see you get better. But you have to meet us part way."

He sighed. "Ok." He said softly. "But I can't face nobody who's been making fun of me. Especially if you're going to make sure I don't eat anything."

She grinned slightly. "Ok, Juan, deal."

"What? What deal?"

"I can't speak for everyone else on how they'll treat you. But if you come back inside, we can all talk with you. And I will be sure to keep you from eating."

He nodded a little. "Ok." He supped the remaining tears away. "I can deal with that."

She wrapped an arm around his shoulders and guided him back towards the house. "And if anyone tries to make fun of you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll be damned if I let anyone pick on my little brother while he's down."

He grinned slightly. "Thanks. Though I can't exactly say I'm you little brother no more."

She smiled "Ah see? There still is some of the real you in there. In time, with all of us helping you, I think the rest of your true self will come back."

"You think so?"

"Yes. Now come on. Let's go back inside."

"Fran, I," he grabbed her, giving her a hug. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Juan." She hugged him back patting his back a little

Without saying anything else, they both headed back inside. For the first time since his depression started, Epstein finally felt as though his family cared about him.

...

The next day, Fran had convinced Epstein to go to school. It took him a while to make it to school. So when he entered the class room, he handed Gabe a note. He tried to make things lighthearted and "read" along with the note as Gabe read it aloud. Something was off this time. Neither Gabe note the other students found his made-up excuse note funny. Especially when Gabe read the phony signature "Epstein's mother." That was when everything became serious.

Epstein looked around the classroom and saw nothing but grim expressions on the other students' faces. He looked at Gabe only to see the same expression.

"What's going on?" Epstein asked, nervously. "Nobody laughed. I had a great excuse note and…" he looked at Gabe, even more confused. "What's the matter?"

"Juan I see what you're trying to do with this note. But I think it's time you stop with these."

"What? These notes are classic! They're my thing. I haven't turned in a note in a while so I thought I could try something a bit more normal for me…"

"Juan, come into the hall with me. I think we need to talk."

"Alright." Epstein followed Gabe into the hall. "I don't get it." He watched Gabe close the door. "What's going on? Why's everybody so upset?"

"Juan it's nice to see you trying to do something that's normal for you." Gabe approached him. "Juan, I'm glad to see you here today, and that you're trying to give an effort of at least trying to be yourself. That's all god. But this note… I don't think it's appropriate for you to hand out these notes anymore."

"What? Why not? Everybody knows they're my thing. I've been doing this for a long time."

"Juan. I think you know why you shouldn't do it anymore."

"What are you talking about Mr. Kotter?" He looked at Gabe and his heart sank into his stomach. "Mr. Kotter? What's wrong?" A lump formed in his throat. "What's going on?"

"I think you know darn well what's wrong. It's time, Juan. Time that you finally accepted it."

"Accepted what?" he started struggling against forming tears. "Mr. Kotter, don't do this to me Just tell me what's going on."

"You know, Juan. That's why you're getting upset. You have to accept it. Let her go."

"Let who go?"

"Juan."

Epstein shook his head and turned away. "Mr. Kotter…. I don't know what you think I need to accept."

"It's been almost a year, Juan."

"No." he shook his head. "No. Don't, please."

"Don't what? Tell you the truth that you've been hiding from? Juan your mother is gone."

Epstein trembled. "What? Gone?" He forced a laugh. "What do you mean, gone? Where would she go?"

"Juan cut it out. You know very well what I mean. Look, everyone in your family has been walking on eggshells around you. Nobody wanted to upset you more than you already were. They helped you keep your delusions, and it's done nothing but hurt you more. You need to face the truth, Juan. You became depressed after losing your mother. And your family allowed you to be in the state you're in because they were hurting as much as you were. They were all grieving. But you…. You didn't let yourself properly grieve."

Epstein shook his head. "No. No it's not true. You're lyin' Mr. Kotter!"

"If I'm lying then why don't you prove me wrong?"

"Fine! Fine I will!"

Epstein started to walk off in a huff, knowing that Gabe was going to follow him. He stormed over to the nearest payphone and picked up the receiver. Reaching into his pocket, Epstein searched for some change. Gabe stopped his search by handing him a dime.

"Here. If I'm going to be proven wrong, it's best that you use my dime."

Epstein scowled at him and then snatched the dime. He placed it into the slot and then dialed his home number. He continued to scowl and he drummed his fingers on the wall as he waited for an answer.

"Hello Ma? Ma I need-" He frowned in confusion. "Who is this? Oh hey, Fran. Could you put Ma on the phone? It's important." His confusion grew worse. "What do you mean you can't? No, no Fran… Franny please don't say that. Please."

Epstein burst into tears and dropped the receiver. He pounded his fist against the wall beside him, before shouting out in a mixture of pain, fear and anguish. He held his hand on the wall and slid down to the floor. Clutching the sides of his head, he buried his face into the back of his legs.

"No no no!" He sobbed. "No it's not true!"

Gabe hung up the phone before kneeling down beside Epstein. He placed a hand on Epstein's back. "Juan I'm real sorry. But you needed to face the truth. It has been going on way too long. I didn't want to keep seeing you suffering or continuing with your denial."

Epstein jerked away. "Get away from me!" He continued to cry and he shouted out loud once in a while. "It's not true!" He pounded the floor beside him with his fist. "Fuck!"

It was at that moment when Mr. Woodman came out of his office. He walked over to where Gabe and Epstein were, and was ready enter angry discipline mode over some unruly student. That mode disappeared the moment he saw them. But he held up appearances just in case.

"Kotter what is the meaning of all this commotion? What is going on with this boy?"

Gabe stood. "Mr. Woodman, we have a bit of a crisis here. Please, do me a favor, stay with Juan. Try to calm him down. I'm going to talk to Mr. Epstein on the phone."

Without question, Mr. Woodman quickly brushed aside all his distaste for the Sweathogs and jumped in to help calm down Epstein. Gabe hurried into the office to contact Epstein's father.

…

Epstein let out a heavy sigh. He looked at the group members before looking at Doctor Martin. He sat quietly for a moment, completely emotionally drained after telling his story. He rubbed the tops of his legs and looked at the group again.

"That night we had a family meeting. I realized how much I needed help. It wasn't about my depression anymore. And, ah, y'know, I checked myself into the hospital. I felt it was best for me to seek professional help for all this."

"Thank you for sharing, Juan. And I think you were right for coming here."

"Thank you." Epstein looked down. "Sorry for taking up pretty much the whole time with my turn. I told you I had a long story."

"Don't worry about it, Juan." Another group member said. "We all have long stories the first time. It's god you got to share yours."

Epstein nodded. "I ain't even done yet. I only told you guys the story from how I remembered it. I didn't even get into what other people have told me about what happened."

"That's alright, Juan." Doctor Martin said. "You'll have time to share some more in another session."

Epstein nodded. "I look forward to that."

"As do we. You'll find it easier and easier to share with the group, the more sessions you attend."

Doctor Martin turned to the rest of the group. With the remaining time they had in the session, everyone chatted with one another. Some other group members spoke to Epstein, thanking him for sharing his story. Epstein felt good about being able to express himself. He knew he wasn't done sharing, and he actually looked forward for the next session.

Once the session was over, everyone left the room and went in their own directions. Epstein was one of the last to leave the room. When he stepped out of the room, he glanced over at the sign near the door. It read "Group therapy session: Grief Counseling with Doctor Martin."


	7. Chapter 7

Epstein was one of the first to enter the room for group therapy. He greeted Doctor Martin before walking to the refreshment table. He grabbed a cup of coffee and watched as the other group members started entering the room. Everyone took to their seats and the session began.

Doctor Martin started by greeting everyone. He then asked the group if any of them wanted to be first to share. He looked at Epstein to see if he would volunteer. Epstein cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter in his seat.

"Well I did say last time I still had a lot to share. Probably best that I get it out while it's on my mind." He looked at Doctor Martin and then at the other group members. "I supposed the best place to start is, well, where everything started. Now a lot of this is what happened according to what other people have told me. I blocked out a lot of this stuff so the details are still a bit fuzzy. But I'm starting to recall a bunch of stuff on my own."

"Go on, Juan. Tell us everything you care to share."

"Alright. Well like I said, the best place to start would be where everything started. Before I even became depressed."

…

It was a warm spring day. Epstein had volunteered to help his mother run some errands rather than hang out with his friends. In reality, he was happy to help her. Going into town with her was going to be a breeze.

They did some grocery shopping together, which Epstein admitted was more fun than he thought it would be. That was partly because they talked to each other about everything. He even surprised her by telling her about the good grades he had been working on in secret. He was determined to become a veterinarian and wanted to improve himself. She was delighted to hear all this and told him how proud he was making her. He couldn't have been happier, talking with his mother.

The shopping trip was over, and they began carrying the bags home. Their conversation continued as they walked the few blocks back to their house. Suddenly, as they reached Mr. Jennings's bakery, Epstein lost grip on a bag, dropping it and spilling the contents onto the ground. He quickly gathered everything up and packed it all back into the bag. As well, his mother had stepped off the curb to fetch one of the items that had landed in the road.

She didn't see the truck speeding toward her. The driver of the truck didn't see her either. And since Epstein was too preoccupied with the groceries, he didn't notice anything until it was too late. As soon as he stood to turn back to his mother, it was too late. The truck smashed into his mother and sped away, leaving her on the road.

The moment that it happened, Epstein froze in shock. He dropped the grocery bags, everything spilling out of them again. He had no time to react. He couldn't even yell to get his mother's attention. He couldn't even grab her to pull her back onto the sidewalk. There was nothing he could have done in that split second. So he stood there, frozen in his spot, staring at his mother lying in the road with groceries spilled all around her.

Other people screamed as they rushed over, calling for help. Some people bumped into Epstein, but he was too shocked to react. To him, the whole world around him was gone He was paralyzed and speechless. All he saw was his mother lying there. All the noise, all the people, even all the buildings around him were gone. He couldn't even feel his own feelings. He wasn't even sure if he was breathing.

Soon paramedics and police came onto the scene. While paramedics were transporting his mother's body onto a stretcher, police officers tried to talk to Epstein. But he was still too shocked to speak. He still couldn't even fathom what was going on. He barely even noticed as someone wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and helped him to sit down. They tried some more to get him to speak but realized there was no use.

…

One of the two police officers knocked on the front door of the Epstein house. Mr. Epstein answered and immediately was furious when he saw his son standing there with the officers. Before he could berate his son, asking him what he did, the officers explained to him what had happened. Mr. Epstein took one look at his son, still in a state of shock, and knew to trust the officers. He thanked the officers and helped his son inside the house.

"Juan, mijo, talk to me about what happened." He said as the door closed.

Epstein looked at his father, a bit confused. He simply shook his head, indicating that he wasn't up to talking right then. His father sighed and then called for his other children to come into the family room. Once everyone was gathered in the room, their father broke the news to them. Epstein still did not speak a single word, even when his siblings tried to comfort him. Everyone was devastated with this news. But they all knew Epstein was already taking it much harder than anyone else. Not only that, but they had already known that he was going to wind up much worse from there.

…

A few days had passed, and Epstein had not gotten any better. He was still going around in a state of shock and had not spoken a word to anybody. He barely functioned on his own. His older sister Fran laid out his black suit for him and had to talk him into it one piece at a time. His younger brother had to come in and tie the tie for him. Epstein was too far gone to realize what was happening. He just went along with the motions and let his family cater to him. Any other time he would have hated everyone fussing over him and treating him like he was an invalid. But he wouldn't have gotten through the last few days without them practically doing everything for him aside of chewing his food for him and helping him in the bathroom.

At the funeral home, before the funeral had started, the Sweathogs arrived, dressed up and looking as somber as everyone else there. They went over to greet Mr. Epstein first.

"Mr. Epstein." Vinnie said, shaking his hand. "We're real sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, Vincent. It's nice of you boys to be here today. I'm sure you're here to support Juan. He needs it much more than anyone else here, myself included."

"Where is Juan?" Freddie asked. "How's he holdin' up?"

"He's in that corner over there." Mr. Epstein motioned towards his son. "Listen, boys, I don't know if you'll be any help. Juan's been… well he's sort of been running on autopilot these past few days. Hasn't even said a word since the accident. As it is, his sister had to help him into his suit. His little brother helped him tie his tie. Honestly, I don't think he even knows where we are."

"Aw man," Vinnie's face fell. "He's in pretty bad shape then, isn't he?"

"Aw!" Horshack cried out. "Aww poor little Juan!"

Freddie looked at Vinnie and whispered. "What do we do?"

Vinnie looked towards where Epstein was "I guess just be here for him. Come on."

The three of them walked over to where Epstein sat. He was surrounded by relatives and staring off into space. He struggled to hold himself together as his relatives tried talking to him and gave him hugs. He only looked up when his friends got his attention.

"Hey, Epstein." Vinnie said softly. "Hey, man, we was just talkin' with your father over there. He says you ain't been doing so hot."

Epstein looked away and sighed. Freddie came around to the other side and sat next to him on the bench.

"Listen, Epstein," he started, gaining Epstein's attention. "Yo' dad, he said you ain't been talkin' to nobody." Epstein looked away, clearly pained by this. "Listen, you don't gotta talk to us. We understand. We're just here for you."

Epstein nodded and looked down at the floor. He almost yelled out when Horshack suddenly dove at him, grabbing him while overdramatically weeping.

"Oh little Juan! This is so tragic!" he cried into Epstein's chest. "Let it all out little buckaroo! We won't judge you for crying!"

Epstein pulled himself away from Horshack, pushing him to the floor. He stood up and stepped away from the bench seat. Turning his eyes up toward the ceiling, he then balled his fists and pounded them against the sides of his legs. Vinnie and Freddie walked over to him and stood on either side of him.

"Listen," Vinnie said "Don't pay no attention to Horshack. If you want us to leave you alone, give you space, we'll understand. If not, then we're right here with you."

Epstein looked at him, to indicate his appreciation. He still couldn't bring himself to speak, but he did feel a little better knowing that his friends were there with him. If he was talking at the time, he would have let them know that he wouldn't have gotten through the funeral without them there with him.


	8. Chapter 8

Later that night, after the family returned from the funeral, everyone gathered in the dining room for some desert and to reflect upon the day. Epstein sat there, refused to look at anyone, and did not touch a single bite of his food. When one of his siblings asked him if he was ok, he simply stood up and left the room.

Slowly and in a zombie like state, Epstein entered the family room. He looked all around the room as though he was confused by his surroundings. He walked over to one side of the room where a collection of framed photographs were arranged on a small table. He picked up one of his mother and gently grazed his fingers over it. Clutching the frame to his chest, he then carried it with him as he walked around the room. He made his way to the middle of the room and sank down to the floor. There he sat, looking at the picture of his mother.

Flashes of the accident filled his mind. He took in a panicked breath and clutched the picture closer to him. He rocked a little and squeezed his eyes closed. Memories of the past few days and of the funeral rushed to him all at once. Suddenly, he smashed the picture on the floor in front of him. He wrapped his arms tightly around himself and let out a gut-wrenching scream.

His family rushed to his side and immediately tried to calm him down. He didn't seem to notice any of them as he let out another scream. His whole body shook as he let out sobs and became flooded with tears. He was completely inconsolable for the next half hour. His father held him close while his siblings looked on helplessly as he sobbed uncontrollably in his father's arms.

Sitting all alone in his bedroom, Epstein sat on his bed, staring off into space. He still had his suit on from the funeral, minus the jacket. It didn't even occur to him to turn on a light to avoid sitting in a dark room. Nor did he care about the darkness. All he had with him were his pets in their cages, and his thoughts.

One of his brothers entered the room and walked over to him. Epstein glanced up at him, still in a bit of a daze from his breakdown. His brother handed him a glass of water.

"Here, Juan. Thought you could use it."

"Thanks." Epstein said quietly as he accepted the glass. He slowly took a sip of water.

"Glad you're speaking again. Mind if I sit with you?"

Epstein shrugged. "Go ahead."

His brother sat next to him. "I hope you'll be ok, Juan. I mean this is hard on all of us. We're all going through this together. But it's really hard to see you like this." Epstein looked at him. "I was scared for you when you came home after the accident. Then you wouldn't talk to nobody for days. Barely did anything for yourself. Fran practically had to dress you today. Then you had that breakdown… Well I… I never felt worse for you. I was so scared watching you go through that and not knowing what to do. Nobody did. Pop was the one who finally got you to calm down."

Epstein sat quietly as he listened. He sipped on his water. "I don't remember anything from the last few days." He spoke quietly. "Nothing felt real to me. It still doesn't. I feel like this has been one long… bad dream and I still can't wake up from it." He looked at his brother. "Do you know what I mean?"

"I guess. Maybe not quite the same as you. It sure hasn't been easy the past few days. I feel like it's going to be tough for a while."

"Yeah… well… thank you for talking to me. Sorry if I've been a pain in the ass. Or if everybody's been worried about me. I'll ah… I'll pull through this." He rubbed his eyes. "What time is it anyway?"

His brother looked at his watch. "Almost midnight."

"Midnight… what day?"

"Friday. Well in about ten minutes it will be Saturday."

"Man…" Epstein sighed. "I've really been out of it."

"Are you going to be ok now?"

"Man I hope so." He took a sip of water. "No guarantees."

"I hope you will, Juan. I need my big brother. I know, I know, I've got plenty others. But I really look up to you. And I know you need all of us too."

Epstein nodded and then looked at the glass in his hand. "I do." He sighed. "You have no idea."

…

The next morning, Epstein shuffled downstairs, still in a bit of a zombie state from not much sleep. Wrapped around his shoulders was the blanket his mother had made for him. He said nothing to anyone as he walked to the kitchen. He entered the kitchen and saw his sister, Fran, in the middle of cooking.

"Oh… hey ma." He said, seeming out of it.

Fran sighed, stiffening a little. "I'm Fran."

"Yeah, yeah." He waved her off and then walked to the refrigerator. He grabbed the handle and opened the door to peek inside. After standing there for a minute or two, staring at the contents of the refrigerator, his sister startled him by closing the door.

"Juan, you're making it cold in here."

"Sorry."

"You looking for something?"

He shrugged "I dunno. I guess. I'm just hungry."

"No doubt. You haven't eaten much the past couple days. I'm making breakfast for everyone. It'll be ready in a few minutes. Can you wait until then?"

"I guess. Yeah. I'll just grab a quick bite while I wait."

He walked over to the counter where a fruit bowl sat. He took out a couple pieces of fruit and then headed into the dining room. He went over to his usual seat and plopped down into it with a heavy sigh. As he started eating, he knew that this, and the breakfast his sister was making already was not going to be enough food for him. He didn't want to think about it, but he knew it was starting. He already knew food was going to comfort him like it always had. There was no way he was going to fight it. He had no energy to fight. All he could do was sit back and accept it. His depression had begun.

A few minutes later, Fran entered the dining room and called everyone to the table. As soon as everyone sat down, breakfast was served. Epstein picked up his plate and started piling food on it. Fran watched him, frowning the whole time. She shook her head sadly, the moment she realized what was happening with her brother.

"Juan." She said with a warning tone.

He looked at her, pausing the piling of food onto his plate.

"Don't take too much. Not everyone has gotten any yet."

"Oh… sure. Sorry."

He took a little more food before passing the dishes to his siblings. As he started eating, he leaned back some in his chair. He wrapped the blanket tighter around him, starting to feel a little emotional.

"Juan are you ok?" Fran asked

"Fine, fine. I will be." He sighed and closed his eyes before continuing to eat.

Fran shook her head sadly and then leaned in closer to their father. "Pop…" She whispered "I know it's early, but I'm getting concerned about Juan." She motioned to her brother. "I worry he's going to start eating like he does when he's upset."

"Looks like he's already started with all that food." Their father looked at him. "Juan, mijo, think you might want to slow down on the food a bit?"

Epstein looked up at him. "Huh?"

"You're eating quite a bit there. Just watch yourself, mijo."

Epstein looked at his plate. He felt redness rush to his cheeks. He slouched in his chair, feeling eyes upon him from everyone else in the room. He never felt more uncomfortable. At first, he tried to avoid eating. He picked at the food on his plate, moving it around a little. He knew that everyone was watching him, judging him for the amount of food he was eating.

Guilt started washing all over him. He desperately wanted to hide from the eyes that were on him. The only way he could do that was if he got up and left the room. But he didn't want to do that because if he did that meant he had to leave his food behind. He was hungry, so the idea of leaving food behind made him uncomfortable.

He let out a sigh and picked up his fork. A bit shaky, he scooped up some food and then ate it. As soon as he did, all thoughts of being judged left him. He started to relax. Taking another bite, he let the rest of his family fade away. He needed this food to help him get through the rest of the morning. The more he ate, the better he felt.

Soon, his food was gone. He wanted more but wasn't sure if he wanted to get some more in front of his siblings. After a brief internal battle, he grabbed some food and began filling his plate, partly out of spite, again.

Fran watched him and frowned. She reached across the table and grabbed his wrist.

"Juan stop."

He looked at her, a mixture of emotions in his eyes. "What?"

"I think that's more than enough food." She said with a motherly, stern tone. "You've already eaten a lot. You're going to make yourself sick."

He frowned at her and pulled his wrist away. "I'm fine!"

"Juan," she warned "You've had enough. You don't need to keep eating."

"You can't tell me when I've had enough to eat!" He started piling more food onto his plate.

"Juan, please. You don't need to keep eating. Please stop."

"Franny." He looked her in the eyes. He was upset, but much more pain and sadness shone through his eyes than anything else. "Please don't make a big deal about this. I'll stop. But right now I need this. You know it helps me feel better. I mean I'll be able to control myself like I always do. Please, Franny." A lump formed in his throat and his eyes were beginning to gloss over with tears. "Please." He said quietly. "Just let me eat right now."

She sighed, not wanting to give in. Her heart broke for her brother. "Ok. Fine. Keep eating, Juan." She said sadly. "But please, promise me you'll control yourself."

He was silent as he looked away. He swallowed, trying to push back the lump in his throat. "I can't lie. I know it'll be really hard this time. But I… I'm going to try my best. I promise I will find some way to control myself."

"Ok." She said, barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry, Juan. I can't help looking after you. You're my little brother and I can tell you're going to have a real hard time getting through all this. But just remember, Juan. You don't have to suffer alone. You've got all of us here going through this with you."

He sat still, reflectively for a few seconds before nodding his head. "I know. But… please don't make me feel worse for eating right now. You know I can't help it when I get like this."

"I know. I'm sorry, Juan." She stood up. "I'll leave you alone."

She picked up her dishes and left the dining room. Many of their siblings and their father soon followed suit.

Epstein continued to eat as he watched his family get up and leave the room one-by-one. Once everyone else had left, taking their empty dishes with them, Epstein remained in his seat. Slowly, tears began rolling down his face. He stared into his plate of food as he ate. It didn't take long before he finished his food. By that point, he looked up and saw food still remaining on the table. He knew he was going to regret it, but he still couldn't help but snatch up all the rest of the food. As he kept eating, tears started falling faster. He struggled to hold himself together as he ate. The more he ate, the worse he felt. He started crying harder. Soon he realized he had finished all the rest of the food that was on the table. He felt sick to his stomach and riddled with guilty, hateful feelings towards himself. All he could do then was sit there and cry.


	9. Chapter 9

Summer had passed and the first day of the new school year had arrived. All of the Epstein kids still in school, were up and getting ready to leave. All except for one, who was taking as much time as possible to get ready.

Epstein stood in his room, mentally debating himself whether or not he should skip school and stay in bed. He as slowly finishing up getting dressed, though having a troubling time buttoning his shirt over his stomach. He grumbled to himself as he poked at his protruding belly. Not noticing his older sister watching from the open doorway, he let out a heavy, aggravated sigh.

"Juan is everything ok?"

"I ain't goin' to school." He mumbled.

Fran stepped into the room. "You really should. It'll be good for you to start back into the regular school routine."

He rolled his eyes. "I really an't in the mood to sit behind a desk, surrounded by a bunch of people while Mr. Kotter cracks the same stupid jokes."

"What?" She asked in surprise. "But you love Mr. Kotter's class. And your friends will be there."

He shook his head sadly. "I don't want to go. I can't face nobody."

"You really should go. It's the first day."

"Who cares?"

"I know you've never been fond of school, Juan, but I really think it'll be good for you to go." She looked at him. "Why don't you want to go?" She stepped closer, looking at him better. "Is it because of your weight?"

"What weight?" He grumbled and looked away from her.

"Juan you've put on weight."

He jerked and stepped away from her. "I have not!"

"Come on, Juan. All you've done all summer was lie around and eat. I know you don't want to face it, but that's not exactly a good way to keep thin you know."

He placed his hands on his hips and turned his eyes to the ceiling, trying to ignore her.

"Even when you left the house to hang out with your friends, the few times you did it, you were eating the whole time. That or complaining the whole time that you weren't around food. You said you were trying to control yourself but look at you." She pinched his side a little. "Looking kinda chubby there."

"Alright fine!" He snapped. "I put on weight!" His voice cracked a little. "I know I said I would control myself. But I… well it's been so hard. Whenever I'm around food I'm eating. If I'm not around food, I'm thinking about eating." He shook his head sadly and kept her from seeing the pain in his face. "Franny I…" He drew in his bottom lip for a second. "I'm sorry. I broke my promise. I can't control myself with food. I don't want to go to school because I can't stand the thought of everyone seeing me like this and seeing how much of a failure I am."

"Juan you're not a failure. Look, everyone knows you're going through a tough time. And nobody blames you for it."

"It's my fault." He whispered.

"What?"

"It's my fault." He said, a little louder. "I should have done something. I was right there." He closed his eyes, feeling tears form.

"Juan…" She wrapped an arm around him. "Please don't do this to yourself. It wasn't your fault. There was nothing anyone could have done."

He stood silently for a few moments, trying hard not to let tears fall. He let out a sigh and then brushed past her, moving out of the room.

"Juan where are you going?" Fran sighed, knowing the answer, and then followed him downstairs, straight to the kitchen.

Epstein made a mad dash to the kitchen and started grabbing whatever food he could get his hands on. Fran followed him and tried to take food away from him, but he blocked her every attempt. He sat down in the middle of the kitchen and lost himself in the food. He completely blocked out the fact that Fran was standing there watching him, completely helpless. He kept eating until finally, his father pulled him out of the kitchen and made him leave for school.

Emotionally distraught, Epstein tried hard to hold himself together as he walked to school. Each step was a struggle. The few blocks he walked towards the school may as well have been fifty blocks. With each struggling step he took, he tried even harder to push back his tears.

Soon, he made it to Mr. Jennings's bakery. He stopped and turned to look at the storefront. He needed food. Even though he already had a big breakfast, plus all the food he ate before being made to go to school, he still needed more. He knew he would need more just to get through the rest of the walk to school. He would need more to get through the first period. With a heavy sigh and guilty heart, he walked into the bakery.

This would be the first of many visits to the bakery he would make that school year. He just hand no idea just how well known he would become to Mr. Jennings, or just how familiar he would become of the daily menu at the bakery.

…

The moment Epstein woke up he knew this was going to be a bad day. It took all he could to force himself out of bed. His stomach was finally the deciding factor on that move. As soon as he left his bedroom, he made a pit stop into the bathroom. He quietly closed the door and let out a sorrowful sigh. He was about to do something, he knew he was going to regret, but he was far too curious not to go along with it.

He took a deep breath and walked over to the scale. As soon as he saw the needle stop, he groaned in disgust. His thirty pound gain had turned into fifty pounds. He knew for sure now he had absolutely lost control of his eating. He was going to have a terrible time at school that day. Knowing this, he already wished to be home and he hadn't even left yet. Instead, he felt it best to try his hardest to get through the day as usual. Maybe the terrible day he was dreading, wouldn't be as bad after all. Big maybe.

Leaving the bathroom, he slowly made his way downstairs. He needed breakfast. But before he would get to the kitchen, Fran stopped him and pulled him aside.

"Juan, can we talk?"

"Yeah, yeah. Sure. Just let me get breakfast first."

"I think that can wait a little bit. This is important."

He looked at her for a moment. Mentally he debated whether or not to talk to her before breakfast. Either way he was going to need food soon so that he would have an easier time convincing himself to face the day at school.

"Alright. Fine." He said, defeated. "But this better not take long."

"Oh I think," she patted his stomach, "your stomach can wait a little bit for food. Come into the dining room with me."

He sighed, not too pleased with the situation, or the fact that she had just drawn his attention to his weight again. He knew no good could possibly come from talking to his sister. But at the same time, he knew that if he didn't talk to her, he would be disappointing her even more than she probably already was.

The two of them entered the dining room and sat at the table. Right away, Epstein's eyes turned to the bowl of fruit sitting on the table. Fran immediately saw this and pushed the bowl out of his reach.

"What's this about?" He asked, not in the mood for conversation.

"I just needed to talk to you about something." She watched as he took a few quick glances at the fruit bowl before looking at her.

"Hey why are you always here, Franny? Shouldn't you be home with your husband?"

"I'm not _always_ here, Juan. I started out coming here to help out when Ma died." She looked at him to see if he was listening. He was looking at the fruit bowl, starting to grow desperate to grab some of it. "Juan please listen." She sighed.

"Sorry Fran." He looked at her.

"As I was saying… I keep coming here because well, I've been worried about you. I feel like you keep getting worse every time I see you. I mean you've gotten kinda heavy."

He sighed, nodding a little. "I know. I've got fifty pounds on me now."

She placed a hand on her face and shook her head in disbelief. "Oy fifty pounds, wow…"

One of their brothers came up to the table and snatched a piece of fruit from the bowl.

"Fifty pounds, Juan?" He laughed. "Man you really are a porker now, aren't you?" He went right up to him and made pig noises.

"Cut it out!" Epstein moved away from him.

"Pedro get out of here!" Fran exclaimed.

"Alright, alright." Pedro laughed. "I'm leaving." He took a bite out of his apple and then snorted at his brother before leaving the room.

Epstein buried his face in his hands and placed his elbows on the table. He shook a little as he fought back tears.

"Juan…" Fran sighed. "Just ignore him. He's an idiot." She reached over and touched his shoulder. "Juan it's ok."

"No it's not!" he pulled his hands away from his face and stood up. "I gotta get some food."

Fran grabbed him by the arm. "No, Juan, sit." He hesitated before sitting down. "Look at you. You're getting worse. I'm real worried about you. Not only because of your eating and your weight. But now you let every little thing upset you to where you're near tears! That's not you at all."

"I can't take this. I have to eat."

"Juan that's exactly what I'm talking about. You need to control your urges to eat."

"Oh come on Fran! Look at me! Do you think I would have gained fifty pounds if I could control my urges to eat?!"

She stared at him, frowning. She wanted to argue back. She wanted to convince him he didn't need food. But she knew this was a losing battle with him.

"Fine. Go eat."

Standing up, Epstein trembled a little. He looked at the fruit bowl for a second before snatching it up. He then hurried into the kitchen where he started grabbing all the food he could.

Knowing that he was in there, about to stuff himself full of food, Fran sat at the table in her defeat. She sighed and then let tears slowly fall. She knew there was no way he was going to stop eating. Not until he reached his breaking point. She just wished she knew when that would be. For the time being, she would sit back and try not to be too upset as she watched her younger brother suffer through his depression.


	10. Chapter 10

It was later that day when everyone in the family finally realized how bad Epstein had become. It started with the emotional phone call he made, which Fran answered. She knew as soon as she head his voice that he wasn't well. Somehow he had lost sense of what was happening, and all knowledge of what caused his depression. The moment Fran heard his frazzled, and confused voice, she knew she better get the family and try to figure something out.

"Hey, it's me, Juan."

"Juan is everything ok?" She asked, despite already knowing the answer.

"Listen, I'm… I'm having the worst day." His voice cracked a little. "I'm headin' home early."

"Oh, alright. What is it, Juan? What's going on?"

"Who is this?"

Fran placed a hand on her chest as her heart dropped into her stomach. "It's Fran. Juan you're starting to-"

"Oh ok, well let Ma or Pop know I'm coming home."

"Juan." She choked up. "You know I can't let Ma know."

"Fine! Tell Pop then!"

"Ok, calm down, Juan. You're starting to scare me. What's wrong?"

"I just need to come home. I can't be here right now."

"Oh. Ok. Do you need me to pick you up?"

"No, no I'm going to walk. It ain't that far."

"Alright. If you're sure…. We'll be here for you when you get home."

"Yeah, see you soon."

She heard the click as he hung up the phone. Stunned and trembling, she didn't know what to do. Most of her siblings were at school. Her father was running an errand. She feared all the things that might happen to her brother on his way home. Trying not to cry, she had to push her tears and her worries aside for the time being.

"He's going to be ok. He's going to be ok." She tried calming herself down. "Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen?"

She jumped nearly out of her skin and shrieked as she heard the front door open. Hearing the voices of two of her brothers, she sighed in relief. She hurried over to them and let them know about the phone call she just had from their brother.

"He's not good, guys. He even asked for Ma."

"Aw man…" Sanchez said, his heart sinking.

"This is bad." Irving followed suit. "I never thought he would get this bad. He's normally stronger than this."

Fran nodded. "And he's even started growing a bit clingy toward me lately. He sometimes calls me Ma. I'm not so sure if it's a mistake or if he actually thinks I'm her."

"What do we do?"

"I don't know, San. But I feel like something bad is going to happen to him. He's on his way home from school right now. At east I hope he is."

"What should we do?" Irving asked. "Do we go look for him?"

Fran shook her head sadly. "I don't know. He might be okay. It's not a long walk from the high school. We could be home real soon."

"Let's hope so."

…

Almost an hour later, when Epstein should have been home long before then, there was another phone call. This time Mr. Epstein was around to answer it. The call was from Mr. Jennings from the bakery. He told Mr. Epstein all about what was happening with his son. Epstein had broken down in front of the bakery, and had been inconsolable the entire time.

"Mr. Epstein, he's been screaming about his mother. I'm afraid he's not in good shape. I have customers and a couple staff members trying to calm him down. No luck. I couldn't even get him to come in here where he would at least be warmer. He refused to move. Someone needs to come get him. Bring him home."

Mr. Epstein sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Thank you for calling, Mr. Jennings. I'm real sorry about this. I know it's got to be hurting your business."

"Mr. Epstein, my concern right now is with your son. He clearly needs help. Please, bring him come and give him the help he needs."

"I'll send someone to get him. Thank you for calling, Mr. Jennings." He hung up the phone and then muttered in Spanish. He then went to find some of his other children, whom he knew were home. "Sanchez, Irving. Glad you two are home."

"What is it, Pop?" Irving asked curiously.

Sanchez's face fell. "Oh no. It's Juan, isn't it?"

"Yes." Their father nodded sadly. "Mr. Jennings, the owner of the bakery just called. Juan has been having some sort of breakdown outside of the bakery. I need you two to go get him and bring him home."

"Aww man… I hope it's not as bad as the one he had after the funeral." Irving said

"I'm afraid it might be, from the way it sounds." Their father said. "Can you two get him?"

"Sure, Pop." Sanchez said. "We'll be back soon."

"Gracias, mijo."


	11. Chapter 11

Sanchez and Irving arrived home a little later with their brother. Epstein stepped inside and looked around in a bit of a daze.

"What are we doing here?"

"We brought you home, Juan." Irving said.

"Oh right."

Epstein left the doorway with his head hanging down. He headed straight for the family room, not knowing that his brothers were following him and keeping a close watch on him. He walked in a confused, zombie like state, much like he had done during the few days following his mother's death. His brothers watched him sorrowfully, both feeling as though they were headed for another round of helping him get through the day while he reentered autopilot mode.

They watched as he moved to the nearest empty chair and slowly sat down. Then they listened sadly while he quietly prayed in Hebrew. It wasn't often when h would pray. And he would normally only do it during times of personal crisis.

While hearing him pray right then, after just suffering a bad breakdown, they knew just how serious this was. They also realized that he must have had some sense of what was happening right then.

When he finished praying, Epstein started trembling. He choked up as though trying not to cry. This caused his brothers to be on full alert and prepare themselves for another breakdown.

"Ma!" Epstein cried out. "Ma where are you? I need to talk to you!" He stood up and started to leave the room.

"Juan where are you going?" Sanchez asked, starting to follow him.

"I need to find Ma. You know where she is?"

"Yeah in her grave." Irving said quietly before receiving a warning look from Sanchez.

"I'm not kidding." Epstein said "I really need to see her right now. Where is she?"

"Juan… Ma isn't here."

Fran entered the room right then and went straight for him. "Juan, calm down. Ma isn't here."

"Where is she?" Epstein turned toward her, clearly frazzled and confused. "I need to see her. It's important."

"Juan… she's…. she's out." Fran choked on her words, hating herself for not being able to be honest with him.

"Will she be back?"

She bit her lip nervously. "Sure, Juan. Come on, why don't we sit down?" She guided him over to the couch. "Hey, I heard you had a bad day. Sounds like you were having a rough time on your way home. You want to talk about it?"

He nodded a little. "I just… I got scared. I don't know what's wrong with me. I started seeing these images… I couldn't make sense of any of it. I feel like it was something bad that happened where I was. But I…" He closed his eyes and tears started to fall. "I need to see Ma. I need her."

"Ma isn't here. But we are. Please Juan, you can talk to us."

"I'm really scared… I don't understand what happened to me. I was walkin' home. Then I started having these…. Flashes of some kind of horrible memory. I tried to block it out but…" he sniffed "I saw groceries spread all over the sidewalk and in the road. I heard people shouting." He covered his face. "It scared the hell out of me but I don't know why. I just… I got so overwhelmed… Next thing I know Sanchez and Irving were there. Then we were home. I don't even remember how we got here."

"Oh Juan…." Fran brought him into a hug. "It'll be ok." She said soothingly, rubbing his back. "You don't have to worry about those memories. We're here with you."

"I need Ma, though."

"I know." She teared up. "I know, Juan."

...

For a while after his last breakdown, Epstein went back and forth into reality. He would often ask about his mother and her whereabouts, claiming that he needed to see her. During these times, he was often confused and almost scared like he truly had no idea what was going on or what was causing him to be so emotional. His family didn't know what to do whenever he was in this state and they often, sadly, went along with his delusions so not to upset him any further. It broke their hearts seeing him this way. It hurt even more not knowing how to help him.

He had become a bit clingy to his older sister Fran. Nobody could figure out why, other than the fact that she was the oldest of his sisters, and she treated him in more of a motherly way. The thing that hurt her was whenever he would call her "Ma." That was purely because she wasn't sure if he actually believed she was their mother. She tried to correct him, but often found it easier just to let him call her that.

One afternoon, Fran was busy folding their father's clothes in her parents' bedroom. She jumped a little when she heard a bit of a frantic knock on the door. She quickly shook off her startled state and continued to fold clothes.

"Come in!" She glanced over her shoulder and saw her brother, clearly upset, standing in the doorway. She became upset when she heard what he said next.

"Hey, Ma, are you busy?" he entered the room, keeping his head down.

"Juan, I'm…" She refrained from correcting him, as painful as it was, and continued folding a shirt. As much as it hurt not to correct him, it hurt her even more just knowing the state of mind he was in.

"Well, Ma, I need to talk."

"Oh well come on. I can take care of these clothes later."

They sat next to each other on the bed. Fran even pulled him in close with an arm around his shoulders. She let him rest his head on her chest. As they talked, she tried her best to give motherly advice, because she knew he needed that the most right then. But at the same time, she couldn't help but be more of a sister to him. She watched him as he opened up to her. This was the most emotional, most open and honest she had ever seen him, without him bursting into tears or even seeming desperate for food. On one hand, she was glad that he was opening up like this, because she knew how hard it was for him. On the other hand, she couldn't help but wonder how in touch with reality he was right then.

After a little bit, he had brought her into a hug. There was a trace of a smile on his lips as he did this.

"Thank you." He said. "I guess I didn't realize how much I needed to talk."

"Like I said, come find me whenever you need someone. I'll listen."

"Thanks Ma."

Her heart sank and her face fell a little. "Juan…" she sighed, her heart breaking.

"What?"

"Never mind. I hope this helped you."

"I think it did."

If she wasn't sure about her brother's state of mind before, his next move sealed it for her. She knew for sure that he believed he was talking to their mother, because he did something that he had only done with their mother. He leaned in and kissed her gently on the temple. As he left the room, she sat there, tearfully. She felt defeated. Tears broke through and she choked up a little on them. She knew more than ever that her brother needed help that neither she, nor the rest of the family could properly provide for him. She had no idea what to do to even bring this to his attention. He was not well, and it was beyond depression and beyond his eating. But due to the rest of the family's own grief, Fran knew that getting him the help he needed wasn't going to be easy. In her heart she knew that he was going to need to reach his breaking point, and when he actually did, it would be hard. It just hurt way too much to think about when that day would come. So in the meantime, she felt it was best to wait it out like they had been doing.


	12. Chapter 12

Epstein came home from school, emotionally drained. It had been a struggle for him not to eat anything all day, except for at lunch when Horshack shared a bit of his sandwich with him while they all sat in Gabe's classroom. He had told his friends and teacher how he had been trying not to eat anymore because he couldn't stand to gain any more weight. Still feeling a bit emotional about everything, he told them that the last thing he wanted to do was be at home with his siblings.

As bad as the other students were towards him, he said his brothers were much worse. He could always avoid people at school but not at home. There was always someone around him at home, teasing him about his weight or how much food he ate. And with as emotional as he was that day at school he knew it was only going to bet much worse at home.

When he got home from school, he hurried upstairs before anyone could say anything to him. As soon as he got to his bedroom, he locked the door behind him. He needed to calm down and clear his head. Walking to the window, he took some calming breaths. But these breaths could only do so much for him.

He opened the window and then searched his pockets. He found a lighter and nearly empty pack of cigarettes, then placed a cigarette between his lips. Releasing a sigh, he then lit it, inhaling slowly. He knew that smoking this would only be a temporary relief from his problems. But it was something to keep him calm without eating.

As he smoked, he leaned out the window to release the smoke into the air. He saw there, calm and relaxed as he watched the some disappear into the air. Once there was no more of his cigarette left to smoke, he stubbed it out on the windowsill before flicking it out the window.

After that, he walked over to his bed and sat down. He leaned back and allowed himself to become lost in his thoughts. For a little while, he had no intentions to eat, and his emotions were stable. And that made him feel proud of himself for once.

Then the voices came. These weren't his usual self-loathing voices. These came from behind the bedroom door. They belonged to three of his brothers and were full of brutal mockery. AS soon as he heard this, his attention was drawn onto his weight. And it was clear that's exactly what his brothers wanted.

Epstein tried to block out the sound of his brothers. He tried hard to keep from crying. He also tried not to focus on his weight. But the more he tried, the worse the taunts became. For just a moment, things were silent. But no relief came to Epstein with this silence. Because it was what came after that, which played back into his anguished state.

"How much ya wanna bet he weighs right now?" One brother asked

Epstein's jaw dropped. He trembled in disbelief over what he had just heard.

"I bet ten bucks the fatass is at least 250."

Epstein shook his head. He knew there was no way he was that heavy. Doubts came when he took a look at himself. He had in fact grown quite heavy, so that number didn't seem too far off.

"250? Nah." Another brother laughed. "Maybe not quite that high." He snorted. "What I want to know is… how much ya willin' to bet on how much fatter that fatass is going to get from here?"

The other two responded with laughter. One brother bet on him reaching 300 by the start of summer break. This really got to Epstein. He knew there was no way he was anywhere near as big as what they were saying. He knew he had gained a lot of weight, but he also knew he wasn't that big. He squeezed his eyes shut and covered his ears in hopes of blocking it all out. How could his brothers be so cruel as to make bets on his weight? He couldn't stand it anymore. He was so close to exploding with tears, but he had to fight it. He couldn't give his brothers the satisfaction of letting them hear him cry. He knew that was what they wanted. But he would not let them win. Not this time.

"300 are you nuts?" One brother said. "He's probably there already!" This caused all three of them to start laughing.

It was all Epstein needed to hear. He stormed over to the door and unlocked it. In anger he practically ripped the door off the hinges. He tried his best to hide his forming tears.

"I can hear you y'know."

"Yes we know." One brother said

"Why else do you think we could be here saying this stuff at your bedroom door?"

Epstein couldn't take any more mockery. He shoved his brothers before hurrying past them to the bathroom. The closed bathroom door did nothing to stop the mockery. He still couldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing they made him cry. As hard as it was not to, he forced himself not to cry. He wouldn't let them win. But the more he stayed in there, wallowing in his self-hatred, the harder it was to keep from crying. The worst part was, he actually allowed himself to see exactly how much he had gained. After seeing how much he weighed and seeing his reflection in the mirror, devastation completely took over him. This was the only time when he couldn't hear his brothers' taunts. That was until when one of them ponded on the door, calling him a fatass. He could no longer hold back his tears. His brothers had won. They made him cry.

Unable to take this any longer, he rushed out of the bathroom, past his brothers, and headed straight to his parents' room.

"Ma!" he headed into the bedroom, not realizing the mockery had come to an abrupt end. "Ma I need you!"

He hurried over to the bed and plopped down, too distraught to notice that nobody else was in the room. Not realizing what he was doing, he grabbed what was once his mother's pillow and hugged it close to him as he cried. He shook and couldn't control his anguish as tears rushed from his eyes. The pillow was the only thing he had to actually comfort him, but in his mind, his mother was there with her arms around him. Devastation surrounded him so strongly that he didn't notice as his brothers stood in the doorway laughing at him and making rude comments about him. He didn't even have to try to block them out, since the only thing on his mind was getting comfort from his mother rather than food.

He sobbed and spoke incoherently. This caused his brothers to stop laughing. They stood there in stunned silence as they realized these weren't normal tears. This wasn't a normal cry that he would get over in a few minutes. He was going to need much more comfort for that.

"Juan… hey man we're real sorry." One brother said.

He screamed out some more incoherent words through his tears. They were only able to understand that what he said was something about their mother. His younger brother took a couple cautious steps into the room.

"Hey Juan? Are you aware that ma ain't there?" He looked at his other two brothers, worryingly.

"Fuck off!" He sobbed, clutching the pillow tighter.

His brothers had no idea what to do. They turned and left the room to get help. A few moments later, their father entered the room and went straight to his son's side. As soon as he sat beside him, Epstein started to calm down.

"Mijo…" He sighed before rubbing his son's back.

As his father did his best to soothe him, Epstein started to calm down some more. Sometimes he muttered something to himself sometimes in a mixture of English and Spanish. And no matter what, he refused to let go of the pillow. After a little while, only a few tears remained, slowly rolling down his face.

"Why am I like this?" He managed to get out through a strained voice.

"I don't know." His father sighed sadly. "But I know you'll get through this."

"You promise?" He sniffed

"Yes. Just hang in there, mijo."

Epstein sat silently for a moment. He wiped some tears away.

"I need ma." He said quietly.

"I know. We all do."

"Why'd she have to go?"

"There isn't a moment in any given day where I don't wonder that myself."

Epstein, still clutching the pillow, leaned and rested his head on his father's chest. He still wished to believe it was his mother holding him. But he heart ached knowing the truth. Despite this, he still felt better.


	13. Chapter 13

Tears slowly rolled down Epstein's face as he lay curled up on a cot in the nurse's office. He stared at the wall ahead of him, lost in his thoughts. He hadn't spoken a word since his breakdown in the hallway, partly due to a strained voice from crying and shouting. He lashed out at everyone when they tried to comfort him. At one point, he had gotten up from his spot on the floor and began pacing. In his mind he ran through everything he had experienced with his depression over the past year. Everything anyone had said to him about his mother's death began ringing trough his ears. Gabe's recent words to him, the ones that triggered his breakdown, seemed to ring loudest and on a loop. The next thing that came to him was just two small, simple words. They were the words that his sister had spoken to him over the phone. They started shouting at him.

"Ma died."

These words were so painful, and the loop that they were on would not end. In the next room he could hear people talking about him. He knew they were his teacher, the vice principal and his father and they were all talking about him and what to do about his "condition" as his father kindly put it.

Trying to block out their voices, as well as his sister's voice, still ringing out those two horrid words, he suddenly felt a painful throbbing in his hand. He looked at his hand and saw it was swollen and red around his knuckles. Clearly he had been punching something but he couldn't remember what.

Clutching his injured hand, he slowly sat up. He couldn't stand that they were talking about him in the next rom. He didn't care what they were saying about him, but he knew it wasn't good. All he could do was wish to be home in his own bed. So he could forget all about this dreadful day. Better yet, he needed to forget about his life. He needed to be home so he could shut everything out. But at the same time he knew he didn't have the strength to face anybody at home. But he had no other alternatives.

He sat up straighter as his father and Gabe entered the room. Sitting in silence, he looked at his father while he spoke to him.

"Mijo."His father said, approaching him. "Things got pretty bad there in the hallway, didn't they?"

Epstein looked away and shrugged. Clear sadness was present in his eyes as he did so.

"Do you remember anything about what happened?" His father asked. Epstein closed his eyes and shook his head. "Not talking again?" His father sighed and then looked at Gabe. "Thank you again for trying to help my son. I better get him home. I'm worried he's going to keep getting worse if we don't do something about this."

"Well I believe he had a bit of a break through today. I think he knows exactly what's going on. He's just been trying to keep himself in denial about it." Gabe looked at Epstein to see him cringe. "Think about it. If you witnessed the most traumatic event of your life, and knew there was nothing you could do to prevent it, wouldn't you try your hardest to block it out?"

These words caused Epstein to try to fight back tears. He shook his head and started to stand as though in protest. But words failed to leave him. He desperately wanted to tell Gabe he was wrong. None of it happened. But he knew he couldn't. He had denied and blocked it out for so long that it was too painful not to accept the truth anymore. Epstein kept his gaze off the two older men as he stood there.

"Juan." His father said. "I'm taking you home. I think you need some rest. Then later, I'm gathering everybody for a family meeting. And whether you talk or not, you need to be part of it."

Epstein rolled his eyes. He sighed and then nodded his head. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, he stepped over to his father. He then gazed up at his teacher.

"It'll be ok, Juan. You just take time to rest up. Do whatever you need to do to help yourself through this." Gabe said

Epstein looked down and nodded in understanding. He then walked with his father and the two of them headed home.

…

Epstein slowly made his way downstairs to the family room. He paused in the entrance as he saw his entire family looking back at him. He looked down and clasped his hands together as he hesitated to enter the room. He could not stand all attention on him. It was even more unnerving knowing that the meeting they were about to have was about him and his current state of mind and well-being.

"Come on, Juan." His father said encouragingly. "Everything will be ok."

He hesitated again, wishing he could go back up to his room. When he first heard his father mention a family meeting, he had not anticipated for everyone to be there to talk about him. Despite this, he took a deep breath and entered the room, keeping his head down. His sister Carmen motioned to an empty spot next to her. He moved over to it and sank down into the seat. The cushion sagging beneath him only reminded him of the weight he had gained, and stirred embarrassment within him.

"Juan." His father said "While we're glad to see you've stopped eating, we're still very concerned with you. This, what you had today, was the third or fourth severe breakdown you've had since your mother passed." Those words caused Epstein to cringe. "And it was the worst one yet. You were punching the walls, mijo." Epstein looked at his injured hand and frowned. "Now you haven't spoken a word since I picked you up from school. You haven't done the no talking thing since your mother's funeral."

Epstein gulped and then looked up at his siblings. He wanted to speak but struggled to get words out.

"Juan…" Carmen said softly, placing a hand on his leg. "Juan it's ok."

Epstein slowly shook his head. "N-no… No its not." He said quietly. "None of this is ok. I'm not ok. I probably won't ever be ok again."

"Don't say that, mijo."

"Pop… this has been going on so long. I've been so depressed… I have even struggled to keep myself from eating lately." One of his brothers snickered at this comment. "I have! And it didn't make things easier!"

"Juan calm down." His father said.

Epstein took a breath, trying to calm himself. "I don't know what to do anymore. I've been so lost. I feel so trapped. No matter how hard I try to get out of this… I keep getting pushed in deeper. And it doesn't help when my brothers are constantly laughing at me when I'm this down." His voice cracked and he closed his eyes, feeling tears form. "I just… I want my life back. I tried to have something normal today. Tried to do what I always do… and it backfired." He shook his head sadly and then drew in his lower lip as he let tears begin to fall. "I lost it. I lost everything. I don't even know who I am anymore."

His father reached over and rubbed his back. "Let it out, mijo. Keep talking."

"I… I'm scared. I have been for a while. Every day I wake up thinking I'm going to see ma. She's going to be cooking me breakfast. She's going to be here and all this would have been a horrible dream." He paused to let more tears fall. "But… then reality hits hard and the nightmare continues. Then… sometimes I see ma… it turns out to be Fran. I get upset and forget ma's not there. And I often feel her. I talk to other people and hug pillows, making myself believe it's ma." He covered his face with his hands. I can't take it. I can't take knowing what happened to her. Nobody here knows what I went through that day. What I saw… what I felt. I can't… I can't deal with it anymore. I couldn't handle the guilt of feeling like it was all my fault. So I started eating. I blocked it out so I wouldn't have to feel that guilt… that pain. I don't remember what happens each time I break down. But every time it happens… afterwards I just… I feel it. That guilt. She would be here if I had only done something!" He started crying harder. Carmen wrapped her arms around him.

"Juan, mijo, we weren't there when it happened. But there was nothing you could have done to save her."

"Bullshit!" Epstein cried out. "I could have grabbed her! Something! Anything! But I just stood there watching it happen! I started eating because I couldn't handle all that guilt. I hated myself for not doing anything. I still do."

Epstein continued to cry but he didn't say anything more except for repeating "it was my fault" quietly. His siblings and father kept trying to convince him that it wasn't his fault. But he wouldn't listen. All they could really do for a little bit was let him cry. Once he stopped crying, they all began talking to him again. There were some confessions, such as his brothers deciding to make fun of him as a way to hopefully snap him out of this. They thought that if he got angry enough at them, he would fight them and feel better like usual. But it only made things worse. Epstein even admitted to clinging to his sister, calling her ma, because of the way she treated him. She was a motherly type comfort to him, and she looked the most like their mother. He said that in his mind, she was his mother.

After a little bit, Epstein was quiet again. Everyone started talking to him and came up with solutions to his problem. He sat back and listened to all of them for a little bit before he was sure it was time. He looked at all of them and gave them the biggest confession.

"I need help. I don't think I can get it from you guys. There's something seriously wrong with me… beyond depression beyond grief…. I need help."

His father placed a hand on his shoulder. "Mijo we'll find a way. We'll get you the help you need."

Epstein nodded tearfully. "Thank you."

…

Epstein looked at Doctor Martin and then at the rest of the group members. The expression on his face made it clear to everyone that he was emotionally drained after telling his story.

"Well that's the whole story." He finished with a sigh. "Now you know why I had to be in the hospital. I'm just not strong enough to deal with all of this on my own. And… as supportive as my family is, there's nothing they really can do to give me the help I needed."

"Well, Juan, it's real good that you were able to recognize this for yourself. It may have taken you a long time to realize it. But you did realize it and now you're getting help for yourself. That's what matters."

"Yeah, well, I realized it sooner but couldn't face the truth." He sighed again. "But I'm here now. I'm glad I'm here. I know this group thing is going to help. At least with the grief part." He rubbed the tops of his legs. "As far as anything else goes… I'm sure it'll take more. I mean my other doctor is already talkin' about medication. Antidepressants. And other therapy. I'll have to work on my weight on my own but that shouldn't be a problem."

"There you go, Juan. You've already got the right mindset. You know the steps you need to take. Now it's just taking one step at a time."

Epstein nodded. "Yeah. It won't be easy. But I'm willin' to do what it takes to get back to my old self." He sat reflectively for a moment. "I don't have my mother around to help me through things. But I do have plenty of other people around. Family…. Good friends. They've all got my back." He looked at the other group members. "And I feel the same about you guys. It's nice knowing I have other people like you to talk to. People who understand what I've gone through."

"Very good, Juan." Doctor Martin said "And remember the group motto. We are in this together."

"Thank you. I mean that."


	14. Chapter 14

A few weeks later

Gabe and Julie were busy setting their table for dinner. Julie brought the food to the table and tried hard to show she was amused at yet another joke Gabe was telling. Relief came to her when someone knocked on the door.

"Who could that be?" Julie asked "Did you invite someone over?"

"No. I was wondering if you had."

Gabe walked over to the door and opened it. He took a step back, surprised smiling when he saw Epstein standing there. "Epstein!" He let out a little laugh. "What are you doing here? Come in!"

Epstein stepped inside. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"Oh not at all." Julie said, stepping away from the table. "We were just about to have dinner. Would you like to join us? I can set another seat."

"Thanks. Not sure if I'll eat. Just wanted to see you two." He took off his coat and hung it on a hook.

"You're starting to look better, Juan." Gabe said "Did you lose weight?"

"Ah," he looked at himself "a little. Not much. But it's a start." He walked over to the table and looked at the food before sitting down. "Haven't been eating nearly as much. Haven't even been home from the hospital very long. They, ah, they really restricted my eating in the hospital, y'know. Only three small meals a day, no snacks. But, hey, not like I wanted to eat that food any way. I thought I was going to starve to death. Goin' from eating all the time to hardly eating at all was a huge difference. But I suppose it is good allowing myself to feel hungry for a change."

Gabe and Julie came over to the table and sat down. They began serving themselves some food then looked at Epstein.

"So, Juan, besides not eating like you were," Julie said, "how have you been?"

"I'm getting better. Slowly. Tryin' to take each day as they come." He shrugged. "Medication helps." He looked at the food, considering it.

"Juan are you hungry?" Julie asked "We really don't mind sharing with you."

"Yeah, I am hungry. Just not sure if I should have any of this. See one of the members of my grief counseling group, he's a dietician and personal trainer. He's been working with me, helping me with my weight. Has me on a strict diet. I just started it so I don't want to do nothing to mess it up."

"Well good for you, Juan." Gabe said "We don't want to make you eat. But if you're hungry, you should have something. At least have some salad." He grinned, offering the salad bowl to Epstein. "That can't hurt your diet."

"I suppose it wouldn't." He said before serving himself. "Listen I, ah, I came here for a reason. I wanted to talk to you both." He ate a little bit. "You two tried to help me right from the beginning. I never really let either of you know how much I appreciated that. And Mr. Kotter I know when you pushed me into that last breakdown I had… you were trying to help. I didn't realize it at the time. In fact, I didn't realize much of anything at the time. All I really remember, I was talkin' to you in the hallway. The next thing I know, Mr. Woodman of all people is there trying to calm me down. The rest is all a blur." He ate some more. "Still blows my mind that he was actually tryin' to be nice to me. I don't remember what he said. But he did stop me from punching the wall by standing in front of it. Any man willing to let me punch him instead of a wall… wow. I mean that's a man to admire there."

"You know he's been asking about you since you went to the hospital. He may act mean and say how much he hates you Sweathogs. But he really does care when one of his students is having a hard time."

"He really asks about me?" Epstein asked in disbelief.

"Yes. He's been worried about you."

"You sure he doesn't' just want a rematch? I mean I must have hit him pretty hard before I snapped out of it."

Gabe laughed "Don't worry, Juan. There won't be any rematches. Unless the wall decides to challenge you."

Epstein grinned a little "Good."

"Juan," Julie said "We're really glad to see you making a recovery. You're already starting to seem like your old self."

"Yeah, well, I'm tryin'. Between my group therapy, personal therapy sessions, and medication, I'd say I've got enough to help me get better." He looked at them both. "Which is one reason why I came here. To show my appreciation for what you both did for me. And there's something else I need that I hope will really help me with my recovery. And I don't want to do it alone. So I was wondering if the two of you would help me."

"Oh sure, Juan." Gabe said "You need help with something? What can we do for you?"

"Well I just… I need a little support as I get some closure. I've already talked to the guys about it and they're on board. I just wanted to know if he two of you will do this too."

"Sure Juan. What is it?"

"I need to go somewhere for some closure, like I said. And I'd really like it if I had you guys around with me for support when I get it."

"Of course." Julie said "That makes sense."

"But, Juan, where will we be going with you?"

Epstein looked at them hopefully. "The cemetery."

…

Everyone walked through the cemetery with Epstein leading the search for his mother's grave. It was the beginning of March but still cold enough to have a thin layer of frost on the ground. The freezing rain only added to the cold, dreary, atmosphere that none of them anticipated. There were some muttered complaints about the low temperatures and the way the frigid water stung their skin as it fell.

Epstein stopped dead in his tracks upon arriving at his mother's grave. His friends gathered on either side of him, while Gabe and Julie hung back behind them. Epstein stood there for a moment, staring at the gravestone bearing his mother's name. He gulped, taken aback by the sight, it being the first time he really laid eyes upon it. The last time he was anywhere near the gravestone was at the funeral, and he couldn't bear to look at it then.

Shivers ran through him, but he wasn't sure if that was just caused by the rain. He watched some of his breath puff out in small clouds before him, and it made him ache for a cigarette. But long ago, when he started the habit, he vowed never to smoke in his mother's presence. So his cigarettes were going to stay put in his coat pocket for the time being.

He hesitated before taking a step closer to the grave. As he did, Vinnie placed an encouraging hand on his shoulder, and whispered words to match the tone. Epstein glanced back at him and then looked at the grave. After taking a deep breath to clear his mind, he turned around o face everybody.

"Hey, ah, can I get a private moment? Just for a minute."

"Oh sure." Vinnie said quietly. "We'll still be here when you need us."

"Thanks. I appreciate it."

The others stepped away and allowed him space. He approached the grave and stood right in front of the gravestone. When he was sure that the others were far enough away to not hear him, he began speaking.

"Hey ma." He smiled slightly and then sat down beside the gravestone. "I know you're probably watching over me all the time and saw me through my depression." He looked up at the sky, scanning it a bit. "Wherever you are." He looked at the gravestone at the name upon it, lightly grazing the letters with his fingertips. "But it's still got to be a shock seeing me so big. I know you wouldn't stand for all this weight on me." He sighed, looking at himself. "I realize now that if you had been around, I wouldn't have gained all this weight, had I still been depressed. You wouldn't have let me. Took me a while to realize this but… you were my self-control when it came to eating. I was always able to control my eating when I was younger because you were there to talk me through it. You always came up with ways to keep me from eating. So this time when I started eating, I couldn't control myself because I didn't have you around."

He looked up at the sky for a moment. "I have blocked a lot out. Kept myself from feeling the pain and letting myself grieve. But I was still depressed. I made myself believe I didn't know why I had become depressed. I also made myself believe you were still around. But… Honestly… I knew. How could I not? I mean…. I guess part of me allowed myself to gain this weight to keep myself reminded of the truth. Because if you were there, you wouldn't have let me gain more than five pounds. You would have helped me through it like before."

He was quiet for a little bit, thinking about all of this for a moment. The rain falling on his face made him forget about the few tears that had managed to escape his eyes.

"I messed up, ma. I messed up real bad. Really did a number on myself because I couldn't handle the pain of losing you." He sighed. "But I'm getting the help I need. I'm going to be ok. But that don't mean I don't need you around. I will always need you. For a long time I was feeling real guilty. Like it was my fault. I know I couldn't have saved you if I tried. It all happened too fast for me to do anything." He paused, looking sky for a moment.

"I've gone through a lot. Suffered so much. Struggling to accept that you're gone. I'm sure you've seen it. I'm really trying to move forward now. I'm accepting that you're gone. Hurts like hell though." He shook his head "Sorry for my language. But you've heard worse from me. I still will need you and I'll never stop needing you. I'll always think about you. You'll always be with me in my heart." He stood up. 'I'll never forget you." He sniffed and then wiped away some tears. "I love you, ma. Goodbye."

He looked up at the sky and muttered a short prayer in Hebrew. He then stepped away from the grave and looked toward his friends. He motioned to let them know it was ok for them to join him. They came closer to him and then faced the grave. Epstein looked at them and asked if they had any words to share about his mother. They were quiet, keeping their heads down in thought for a moment. Vinnie was first to take a step towards the grave.

"Mrs. Epstein…" He cleared his throat and pulled his coat closer around his body. "You were always a lovely woman. And real kind to me when I was around your house. I never had the chance to properly thank you for your son, Juan. He's been a real good friend to me through the years. My best friend. I could have chosen any one in the world to be my best friend. But I chose your son. I just want you to know how much he means to me as a friend. You raised a great guy. So, thank you. I think he got a lot of his personality from you. God bless." He crossed his heart with his hand before stepping away.

Freddie stepped forward. "I just want to add to what Vinnie said about Juan being such a good friend to us. He always has been. I didn't know you well, but I know how close Juan was to you. He always spoke well of you, telling us what a great woman you were. And, the first time I was around you, I saw it. I saw the great love you and your family have for each other. And I see your greatness in Juan. You oughta be proud of him. He may not always do the right thing, but he always has the tight thing in his heart. And that's the love you gave him."

"Yeah and he's real kind now." Horshack said "He don't even beat me up no more." He stepped forward and held his hands together in front of him He bowed his head. "Mrs. Epstein, you never knew it but I was scared to meet you. I mean, any woman who could give birth to ten kids, and one of them being Juan, would have to be the toughest woman in the world. And you were tough. And real strong." He emphasized his words with his hands as he spoke. "You were also real kindhearted. You truly cared about every one of Juan's friends and treated us well whenever we came over to your house. And even though he don't like to admit it, Juan definitely got his kind heart and sensitivity from you. Please don't let him give it back."

Epstein reached over and patted Horshack on the back "Thank you, Arnold." He looked at the other two guys. All of you. Thank you. It means so much to me. And I know Ma would really appreciate all of that."

Gabe stepped forward and stood behind Epstein. He placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm afraid I don't really have anything to add. I only know her through your notes. And that wasn't eve actually her. But I do know that she has one incredible kid. And funny. Real clever. And with a big heart."

Julie pated Epstein's back. "Your mother would be real proud of you, Juan. Real proud."

"I know. She always was. No matter what I was doing or if I got into trouble, she always let me know who much she loved me." He looked at the gravestone. "I'm glad you all came. I wouldn't have got through this without your support."

"We're happy to be here for you, Juan." Gabe said. He took his eyes off the gravestone and looked at the one next to it. He frowned slightly in confusion as he read the name aloud. "Juanita Epstein. Was she related to you?" Epstein confirmed with a nod. "Was she an aunt or something? I don't mean to be nosy. Just curious."

"Aw man." Vinnie said with a laugh in his voice. "Don't' tell me you were named after some dead woman."

Epstein gave him a warning look. "I wasn't, Barbarino." He looked at the small gravestone. "So, ah, have either of you ever wondered what it would be like if I had a twin?"

Horshack blinked a little in confusion. "No." He paused. "But I imagine it would be twice as scary." He started laughing.

"Twice as many threats on people's lives." Freddie added

"Twice as many fist fights." Said Vinnie

"Twice as many forged excuse notes." Gabe said with a grin. This made even Epstein laugh.

"No, really. Ah, Juanita was my twin sister." Epstein said, gaining everyone's attention.

"Hold up, Epstein." Vinnie said, stunned "How come you never mentioned a twin sister before? I mean you've always said your mother had ten kids. This would make eleven."

Epstein shrugged. "Nobody ever asked." He grinned a little. "I know it's eleven kids. But I guess I say ten because that's how many of us are still around. But imagine that, Juniata and I, well that was the only multiple birth pregnancy ma ever had. She was expecting Juanita, but I came as a surprise." He laughed

"You being born would have surprised anybody." Gabe added in a Groucho voice.

They laughed even though some of it was pained and met with groans. They were silent for a moment as they all looked reflective at the gravestones. Epstein mentioned how his mother wanted to be buried next to his sister, and now she was.

"So Juan," Julie said, "if you don't mind me asking, how did your sister die?"

"Well I don't exactly know for sure. See she died when we were only one year old. So I don't even remember her. All I gather is there was some sort of medical emergency with her. My folks they didn't get her to the hospital on time." He sighed a little. "I don't remember her but I always felt like part of me was missing, y'know? I often wonder what it would be like if she had survived. Maybe one day I'll meet up with her in the afterlife."

"Wow Juan…. We had no idea." Gabe said "I can't imagine what that must have been like, feeling as though you were missing part of yourself."

"Probably why I turn to food when I'm upset. Got a void I can't fill. Guess this time I ate enough for two people." He paced a hand on his stomach, patting it a little.

"Two people?" Freddie asked "Seems more like you ate enough for yo' entire family."

Epstein glared at him "Watch it, Washington. I ain't that fat." He rolled his eyes. "Ok I think I've had enough of this cemetery for one day. I'm ready to go." He looked at all of them. "Hey thank you guys again for helpin' me do this. You don't know how much I needed this."

"Hey no problem, Epstein." Vinnie patted his back. "We was glad to do this for you."

"Yeah. Just wish you woulda picked a day with better weather. I ain't down for this freezin' rain. It's made icicles in my afro." Freddie said

"Hey I can't help how the weather is." Epstein said "But, yeah, let's get outta here and some place warm and dry."

"Yeah, before Mr. Kotter's mustache freezes off." Horshack said before laughing.

The others joined in on his laughter. They even made a few jokes themselves, partly at Gabe's expense as they all headed out of the cemetery. As they reached the entrance, Julie cupped Epstein's shoulder with her hand.

"This was real good for you, Juan. Do you feel you got the closure you needed?"

He nodded "Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be ok now." He finished with a sincere grin. He glanced back into the cemetery and felt totally at peace for the first time since losing his mother. He knew everything from there was going to be alright.


End file.
